Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering we feel when something or someone we love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief is likely to be. Grief can occur in response to all kinds of losses – from the death of a loved one, to the end of a relationship or losing a job.
What is Double Grief?
Double grief refers to grieving two losses at the same time or in quick succession. For example, losing a spouse and then losing a parent soon after. Or losing your job while grieving the death of a close friend. When someone experiences two major losses in a short span of time, the grief can feel amplified and overwhelming.
Some common examples of double grief include:
- Losing a spouse and parent in close succession
- Losing a child while grieving the death of another loved one
- Losing a pregnancy while grieving another perinatal loss
- Losing a job while grieving the end of a relationship or death of a loved one
- Being diagnosed with a serious illness while grieving another loss
In scenarios like these, the grief builds upon itself and can feel doubly painful. Coping with back-to-back losses strains our natural capacity to grieve and often complicates the grieving process.
What Makes Double Grief So Challenging?
There are several factors that can make double grief especially difficult:
Overwhelming emotions
When we lose someone or something very important to us, it’s normal to experience intense emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness and helplessness. But with two major losses stacked upon each other, these feelings can become overwhelming.
Depleted emotional reserves
Grieving requires a lot of emotional energy and resilience. When you are already drained from one loss, experiencing another loss soon after can stretch your coping abilities to the limit. Your reserves may already be depleted from the first grief experience.
No recovery time
Typically, grief comes in waves, with periods of respite in between. These breaks allow some recovery time – a chance to start rebuilding emotional strength. But with double grief, the losses and painful emotions are compounded. There is often no real recovery time between the losses, making it harder to regain equilibrium.
Loss of support systems
The people we often rely on for support when grieving are also impacted by the loss. For example, if you lose a spouse, your in-laws may be grieving too. Or if you lose a parent, your siblings may be wrapped up in their own grief. This can limit available support.
Practical and financial challenges
Dealing with two losses at once often creates greater practical and financial challenges – like sorting legal and financial affairs of two people, providing care for others who are grieving, or facing job loss. These burdens leave less time and energy for looking after your own grief.
Numbing of emotions
To cope with overwhelming grief, some people instinctively numb their emotions and shut down. But suppressing emotions requires a lot of energy. And it prevents the natural grieving process from unfolding, which prolongs the pain.
Difficulty accepting the losses
When shocking losses occur back-to-back, the brain struggles to absorb and accept what has happened. Disbelief and denial can linger, delaying the grieving process.
Cumulative stress
The cumulative stress of multiple major life events in a short timeframe can have physical, mental and emotional consequences. It can take a toll on wellbeing and increase vulnerability to illness.
Why Does Order Matter with Double Grief?
When experiencing double grief, the order in which the losses occur can impact how amplified and complicated the grief becomes. Some key points:
- If the first loss is more unexpected or traumatic, it can deplete coping abilities to deal with a subsequent loss.
- When the second loss is more disruptive, it can re-trigger the grief of the first loss and those emotions get blended together.
- If the losses occur within weeks of each other, there is little time to adapt before experiencing another blow.
- When one loss causes the next loss (e.g. death of a spouse causes job loss due to time off), this compounds the grief.
In scenarios where the two losses occur months or years apart, there is usually more time to process the first grief experience before encountering another major loss. While still very difficult, longer breaks between losses generally make double grief a little easier to manage.
How Is Double Grief Different from Complicated Grief?
Double grief and complicated grief are two distinct types of grieving experiences. However, they are sometimes confused.
Double Grief
Double grief refers specifically to grieving two major losses simultaneously or in quick succession. It does not necessarily imply that the grief becomes complicated.
Complicated Grief
Complicated grief occurs when the normal grieving process gets stuck or blocked. Symptoms include prolonged intense grief that does not start to abate over time, extreme focus on the loss, bitterness, inability to enjoy life, and detachment.
So in summary:
- Double grief relates to the number of losses.
- Complicated grief relates to the nature of the grieving process.
However, experiencing double grief can increase the risk of developing complicated grief if the person becomes overwhelmed and unable to cope in a healthy way.
What Are the Stages of Double Grief?
Double grief usually involves moving through the standard stages of the grieving process twice in quick succession, including:
1. Shock and denial
Difficulty believing the losses are real. May involve emotional numbness and social withdrawal.
2. Anger
Frustration, bitterness and feelings of unfairness over the losses.
3. Bargaining
Seeking ways to avoid or undo the losses. May involve regret or guilt.
4. Depression
Overwhelming sadness, loss of pleasure, crying spells, changes in appetite and sleep.
5. Acceptance
Gradual ability to embrace the reality of the losses and prepare to move forward.
However, with double grief these stages often intertwine. Moving through each stage for both losses is challenging when the grieving processes overlap and amplify each other.
What Complications Can Arise with Double Grief?
Some potential complications that can arise when coping with double grief include:
- Prolonged depression or anxiety
- Post-traumatic stress
- Suicidal thoughts
- Relationship conflicts
- Social isolation
- Substance abuse
- Health issues like insomnia, ulcers, headaches
- Financial hardship
Seeking professional grief counseling is recommended if any of these complications develop. Unresolved grief can lead to deeper emotional damage and dysfunction if not properly addressed.
Coping Strategies for Double Grief
Coping with double grief is challenging, but there are strategies that can help:
Allow yourself to fully grieve
Suppressing emotions will only prolong the pain. Express your feelings through crying, talking, writing, creativity.
Seek counseling support
Therapy can help you process complex and amplified grief in a healthy way.
Join a grief support group
Connecting with others experiencing similar losses reduces isolation and provides mutual understanding.
Use mindfulness and relaxation practices
Meditation, yoga, deep breathing can help relieve some intensity of grief emotions.
Maintain self-care
Make sleep, diet, exercise, social connection a priority, even when difficult.
Set small daily goals
Accomplishing small tasks boosts motivation and feelings of control.
Embrace your spirituality
For some, faith-based practices offer comfort, hope and meaning.
Try a creative activity
The arts like music, writing, painting can be cathartic outlets for grief.
Enlist practical help
Ask trusted people to assist with daily burdens like chores, errands, finances.
Read about grief and loss
Exploring books and resources normalizes your experience and emotions.
Consider grief counseling apps
On-demand support through mobile apps can supplement in-person therapy.
Give yourself grace and time
There is no perfect way or set timeline for mourning significant losses.
With patience, care and support, most people can work through double grief in their own way and time to eventually rebuild their lives. Seek professional help if you continue to struggle.
When to Seek Professional Help for Double Grief
Here are some signs it may be time to pursue grief counseling or therapy support:
- Thoughts of suicide
- Depression lasting more than 2 weeks
- Unable to function normally
- Turning to alcohol or drugs
- Socially withdrawn for an extended time
- Experiencing panic attacks
- Constant focus on the losses
- Severe lack of energy or motivation
- Feelings of guilt or regret
- Disrupted sleep for weeks
Seeking professional support can help you process your grief in a healthy way and prevent more serious mental health consequences from developing.
Conclusion
Coping with the grief of two major losses at the same time or in quick succession is an extremely difficult experience. The pain and emotions of one loss get amplified by another as your natural grieving abilities are stretched to the limit. Double grief brings psychological, emotional and practical challenges.
While an intensely painful trial, double grief can be navigated with time, self-care and support. Allowing yourself to fully grieve, using healthy coping strategies, leaning on others and seeking counseling can help you work through the compounded losses in your own way. With patience and care, most people eventually adapt to a new reality after double grief. The raw intensity of early grief gives way to acceptance, healing and the capacity to reinvest in life once again.