When a narcissist blames you for things that are not your fault or responsibility, it is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where the narcissist tries to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play and 1944 film Gaslight, where a manipulative husband tries to convince his wife that she is imagining things in order to make her feel crazy.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting involves the narcissist denying facts, altering information, and fabricating a false narrative to confuse the victim. The narcissist aims to destabilize the victim and make them question their own reality, memories, and perceptions. Common gaslighting techniques used by narcissists include:
- Outright denying events or conversations took place that the victim remembers clearly.
- Minimizing and trivializing the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
- Projecting their own flaws onto the victim and accusing them of things the narcissist is doing themselves.
- Withholding information and lying by omission.
- Sowing insecurity and self-doubt by telling the victim they have a faulty memory, are too sensitive, paranoid, or mentally unstable.
The insidious nature of gaslighting causes the victim to become disoriented, anxious, and dependent on the narcissist as the single source of truth. This allows the narcissist to evade accountability for their abusive behavior.
Why do narcissists gaslight?
Narcissists gaslight for the following reasons:
- To exert control over the victim – By distorting the victim’s reality, gaslighting enables the narcissist to gain power in the relationship.
- To avoid accountability – Gaslighting allows narcissists to shirk responsibility for their actions by denying or rationalizing their behavior.
- To protect their false self-image – Narcissists gaslight to externalize blame and avoid damage to their grandiose ego.
- Sadistic enjoyment – Some narcissists take pleasure in manipulating their victim’s psychology and perception of reality.
At its core, gaslighting stems from the narcissist’s need for complete dominance over others to support their inflated sense of self-importance.
Examples of gaslighting
Some examples of gaslighting behavior exhibited by narcissists include:
- “You’re too sensitive – I never said that, you must have imagined it.”
- “I didn’t cheat on you, I’d never do that! You’re paranoid and seeing things.”
- “I was only joking, don’t take everything so seriously.”
- “I told you I was going out with my friends tonight, stop being so clingy and possessive.”
- “You always overreact and start arguments over the smallest things.”
- “I didn’t take money from your purse, it must have been you and you just don’t remember.”
- “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Stop being so crazy.”
These statements all aim to deny, rationalize, or downplay the narcissist’s inappropriate behavior while shifting blame onto the victim. The cumulative effect conditions the victim to doubt their own sanity.
Effects of gaslighting on the victim
Prolonged gaslighting has severely detrimental effects on the victim’s mental health and well-being, including:
- Loss of trust in own memory and perception
- Feeling confused, disoriented, and unable to trust own judgments
- Diminished self-esteem, sense of self-worth, confidence, and agency
- Increased anxiety, depression, trauma symptoms, and other mental health issues
- Development of codependency on the narcissist as the sole holder of truth
- Isolation from outside support systems that could help validate reality
- Breakdown of assertiveness and ability to stand up to the abuse
Victims essentially lose their grip on reality and sense of self. This enables further control by the narcissist.
How to respond to gaslighting
If you suspect you are being gaslit by a narcissist, here are some tips:
- Trust your gut instinct – If you feel manipulated or that something is “off” about the narcissist’s version of events, listen to your intuition.
- Objectively gather evidence – Keep a journal of incidents and check facts to strengthen your perception of the truth.
- See a therapist – Get support and rediscover your inner emotional compass.
- Set firm boundaries – Refuse to engage in arguments about what is real and state clearly unacceptable behaviors.
- Avoid isolation – Maintain connections with others who can validate your experiences.
- Confront the abuse – Name the gaslighting openly and directly. Do not buy into false narratives.
- Leave the relationship – Creating physical and emotional distance is key to reclaiming your reality.
With concerted effort, it is possible to rebuild your sense of self and break free from the narcissist’s distortion campaigns.
Conclusion
Gaslighting is a severe form of manipulation deployed by narcissists to undermine their victims’ sense of reality and stability. By denying facts, lying, projecting, and sowing self-doubt, narcissists evade accountability and maintain an environment of control. Gaslighting can inflict severe psychological damage and instability on victims. Recognizing these toxic tactics is vital, as is obtaining external validation and support. Establishing firm boundaries against the abuse and distancing oneself from the narcissist can eventually restore one’s trust in their own perceptions and truths again.