When one spouse in a marriage withholds affection from the other, it can lead to feelings of disconnection, loneliness, resentment, and frustration. There are a few different terms used to describe this phenomenon:
Withholding affection
This is the most general term used to describe when a spouse purposefully avoids physical and emotional intimacy. They may refuse hugs, kisses, hand-holding, cuddling, sex, and other displays of warmth and caring. Withholding affection can be a passive-aggressive way to punish, manipulate, or gain power over one’s partner.
Emotional withdrawal
Emotional withdrawal involves avoiding intimacy through conversation, sharing feelings, being vulnerable, and participating in mutually enjoyable activities. An emotionally withdrawn spouse shuts their partner out and makes them feel unwanted and unloved.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a form of emotional withdrawal that happens during conflict. When a spouse stonewalls, they refuse to communicate, shut down, and emotionally check out to avoid dealing with issues. This can leave their partner feeling extremely frustrated and rejected.
The silent treatment
The silent treatment is the most extreme form of stonewalling, when a spouse completely ignores their partner by not speaking to them at all. It is a manipulative way to inflict emotional pain when someone feels wronged. The partner often does not know why they are being punished with silence.
Intimacy anorexia
Intimacy anorexia is a term coined by psychologist and author Dr. Douglas Weiss to describe a spouse who denies emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy to their partner. It may involve controlling behaviors that block closeness.
Reasons a Spouse May Withhold Affection
There are a number of possible motivations why one spouse might withdraw affection and intimacy from the other:
Punishment and control
Withholding affection can be a way to retaliate against, punish, or control a spouse. By withdrawing intimacy, the offending partner feels the loss and it reinforces the withholder’s power in the relationship. It can become a pattern of manipulation.
Built-up resentment
Over time, resentment over unresolved issues can cause a spouse to lose affection for their partner altogether. Touch and closeness no longer feel natural when there is emotional distance and negativity.
Lack of physical attraction
No longer feeling attracted to a spouse physically may cause them to avoid sexual and physical touch. Weight changes, poor hygiene, aging, and other factors may contribute to lost attraction.
Relationship ambivalence
When a spouse is having doubts about the marriage, they may pull away affectionately as they contemplate ending the relationship. Their heart is no longer in it.
Depression or mental health issues
Depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, and other mental health struggles can leave a spouse feeling emotionally numb and unable to express affection. They may isolate themselves and feel incapable of closeness.
Feeling neglected
Sometimes feeling neglected by a spouse causes the other to withhold affection in return. When their own intimacy needs aren’t met, it may not occur to them to meet their partner’s needs.
Stress and exhaustion
Physical and emotional exhaustion from work, parenting, life stresses, or health problems can leave a spouse without any energy left to give to the relationship. Closeness requires effort they cannot expend.
Incompatible needs
Partners often have different temperaments when it comes to needing physical and emotional intimacy. When their needs are incompatible, one spouse may not understand how to meet the other’s needs.
Poor communication and conflict skills
Without the ability to communicate needs and resolve conflict in constructive ways, spouses may default to withdrawing from each other during times of disagreement or misunderstanding.
Lack of effort
In some cases, withholding affection boils down to a spouse no longer putting in effort to nurture intimacy. They become lazy, complacent, or take the marriage for granted.
Effects of Withholding Affection
When one spouse denies physical and/or emotional intimacy to the other, it can inflict serious damage on a marriage:
Erodes trust and connection
Building a deep bond requires consistent affection to foster security and attachment. Without it, the marital foundation crumbles as trust and intimacy are broken.
Distress and depression
The spouse missing out on affection often feels lonely, undesirable, depressed, and in despair wondering why their partner doesn’t want them. Their self-esteem takes a blow.
Anger and arguments
Being rejected and deprived of intimacy typically provokes anger and fighting. The deprived spouse lashes out from their hurt and frustration.
Seeking intimacy elsewhere
Some spouses may end up pursuing affection in unhealthy ways, like emotional affairs or pornography use. Their intimacy needs compel them to look outside the marriage.
Resentment and revenge
Over time, the deprived spouse builds up enormous resentment and wishes to inflict the same pain back as revenge for the rejection they have endured.
Destroys marriage
Unless affection is restored, withholding intimacy often proceeds down a path of no return. The marriage completely unravels as the deprived has had enough and wants out.
Healing and Restoring Affection
If you are in a marriage suffering from a lack of physical and emotional intimacy, don’t lose hope. Here are some ways to recover affection:
identify the root cause(s)
Have honest conversations to get insight into why affection has been withheld. Is your spouse punishing you, stressed, depressed, insecure, no longer attracted to you, or otherwise motivated? Understanding the root issues is essential.
work on the relationship
Improving communication, settling differences, problem-solving recurring arguments, meeting each other’s needs better, cultivating romance – this builds trust and reconnects you emotionally.
practice acts of service
Doing little acts of kindness for your spouse often sparks affection in return. Demonstrate love by making their life easier.
focus on positivity
Compliment attributes you appreciate about your spouse. Share happy memories. Express gratitude for their efforts. Positivity generates goodwill.
engage in touch
Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, massages – even minor forms of physical touch release oxytocin to boost bonding. Non-sexual affection matters.
be patient
It takes time to rebuild depleted affection if your spouse has checked out. Don’t give up. Consistency and understanding increase the chances they’ll come around.
attend therapy
For serious cases of withdrawal or intimacy anorexia, psychotherapy can be extremely beneficial to uncover the wounds driving these behaviors. Support and accountability create change.
discuss divorce
If your spouse shows zero interest in restoring intimacy and you’ve tried everything else, divorce may be your healthiest option. You deserve to be loved fully.
Conclusion
Withholding physical and emotional intimacy inflicts deep wounds in a marriage. But there is often a path forward if both spouses can openly acknowledge the issues, identify the root causes, and commit to reforming destructive patterns. In some situations divorce is warranted, but many couple can rekindle affection through concerted effort, provided resentment has not built past the point of no return. With compassion, perseverance, and professional support, even the most withdrawn spouse can rediscover their desire to joyfully connect.