What is it called when someone makes you feel unworthy?

Feeling unworthy or not good enough is an unpleasant emotional state that many people experience at some point in their lives. There are a few different terms that can describe when someone else’s words or actions make you feel this way:

Gaslighting – When someone manipulates you into questioning your own sanity, perception, or memory. It often involves the other person denying facts, events, or things they’ve said to make you feel confused and doubt yourself.
Belittling – When someone makes you feel insignificant, stupid, or powerless through insults, name-calling, or humiliation. This gradually chips away at your self-esteem.

Scapegoating – When someone unfairly blames you for mistakes or faults that are not entirely your responsibility. This can make you feel targeted and like a failure.
Negging – When someone gives you backhanded compliments or subtle insults to increase your need for their approval and lower your self-confidence.
Bullying – Repeated aggressive behavior that intimidates or intentionally harms you physically or emotionally. Being the target of bullying can make you feel weak and worthless.

Table of Contents

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation where the abuser makes the victim question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. Some examples of gaslighting behavior include:

Outright denying previous events or conversations took place.
Downplaying the victim’s thoughts, feelings, experiences as irrational, unstable, or unimportant.

Expressing concern for the victim’s mental well-being or ability to perceive reality accurately when they challenge the manipulator’s account.
Presenting false information to the victim with confidence and authority, making them doubt their own memory.
Saying things like “you’re too sensitive” or “I never said that” when confronted.

Trivializing the victim’s concerns or making them feel like they can’t trust their own instincts and judgement.

The cumulative effect of gaslighting over time is it erodes the victim’s confidence in their perceptions and sense of self. They start to feel dependent on the manipulator, who presents themselves as the more credible authority on reality. They feel increasingly insecure, confused, and worthless.

Examples

Here are some hypothetical examples of gaslighting in a relationship:

After an argument, one partner insists with certainty the fight never happened or important details were different than the other remembers.
One partner frequently accuses the other of being “paranoid” or “crazy” when they bring up concerns about the relationship.
When confronted over infidelity, one partner deflects it as a misunderstanding and questions their partner’s jealousy and trust issues.

One partner excessively monitors the time of the other and denies doing so, making them feel uncertain and insecure.
After criticizing their partner’s appearance, one partner claims they never said anything or it was just a joke.

In workplace gaslighting, a supervisor might deny giving instructions they did give or say an employee is imagining unfair treatment. Family members may gaslight by distorting facts from childhood memories or current issues. However it manifests, the result is the victim feels manipulated and powerless.

Belittling

Belittling means insulting, trivializing, or dismissing someone’s worth to make them feel unimportant and small. This often stems from the belittler’s own insecurities and need to elevate themselves. Some belittling tactics include:

Name-calling – Using derogatory or humiliating terms.
Mocking – Imitating someone in an exaggerated, demeaning way.

Condescension – Patronizing, treating someone in a superior, aloof way.
Criticizing – Focusing on faults and errors, often harshly.
Infantilizing – Treating an adult like a child unable to make decisions.

Comparing – Unfavorably judging someone against exaggerated standards.

This frequent criticism signals the victim is not good enough and their thoughts, opinions, and feelings don’t matter. Over time, victims can internalize the belittling as truth, seeing themselves as stupid, incompetent, worthless, etc.

Examples

Some examples of how belittling might happen:

A parent mocks their child’s passion for art as an unrealistic career goal.
A boss calls their employee “honey” and “sweetie” in a diminishing way.
A partner makes their spouse feel childish for not understanding finances.

A coach lambasts players with name-calling like “useless” when they make mistakes.
A friend teases someone’s appearance by joking they “look like a 12-year-old.”

These kinds of interactions undermine self-esteem. The victim feels insignificant and unworthy of respect. Their needs and desires are treated as juvenile or foolish. Over time, belittling eats away at their confidence and identity.

Scapegoating

Scapegoating means singling someone out unfairly and blaming them for things that are not entirely their fault or responsibility. Scapegoats become targets for frustration, aggression, and criticism that should be directed more accurately. Reasons for scapegoating include:

The perpetrators don’t want to take responsibility for their own failures or actions.
There are cultural prejudices against the scapegoat.

The scapegoat has little power to defend themselves.
It distracts from the real source of a problem.
The perpetrators feel insecure and want to displace blame.

No matter the cause, the unfair burden placed on the scapegoat makes them feel alone, at fault, and worthless.

Examples

Some examples of scapegoating behavior:

An employee gets all the blame for a team project that went wrong, even though others contributed.

A child is singled out as the “troublemaker” in the family, punished for issues beyond their control.
A politician demonizes minority groups as the cause of economic problems.
Fans criticize one player on a losing team as the sole reason for the defeat.

In each case, the scapegoat is saddled with excessive blame and shame for disappointments caused by multiple factors. They are made to feel deficient and at fault rather than examining the real, more complex issues. The scapegoating distorts reality and inflicts deep feelings of unworthiness.

Negging

Negging is giving backhanded compliments or subtle insults during flirtation or courtship. The aim is to undermine the target’s self-esteem just enough that they crave approval. Minor flaws get magnification to trigger insecurity. Examples of negging include:

“You’re cute for someone with small eyes.”

“You look so much prettier when you smile.”
“Are you always this quiet?”
“That shirt looks OK on you, but it’s not really your color.”

On the surface, negging may seem innocuous or even playful. But drawing attention to supposed “flaws” chips away at the target’s self-worth. They feel self-conscious and work harder for acceptance. The manipulator then gets an ego boost and sense of control from the dynamic.

Effects on Target

Negging can have the following psychological effects:

Make targets feel insecure, inadequate, and unworthy of genuine praise.

Increase reliance on the manipulator’s validation.
Create an unhealthy relationship dynamic built on insecurity.
Gradually damage self-esteem and confidence over time.

Distort targets’ self-perception, making them hyper-focused on minor flaws.

Negging demonstrates that someone’s apparent interest and compliments are insincere. Instead, it’s a method of manipulation. The cumulative result can make targets feel unworthy of respect or real love.

Bullying

Bullying involves repeated mistreatment to intimidate, offend, degrade, or harm the victim physically or emotionally. Bullying can take many forms:

Physical Bullying

Hitting, kicking, pushing, spitting.
Stealing, hiding, or ruining possessions.
Making threatening gestures.

Verbal Bullying

Insulting with hurtful names, teasing, slurs.
Mocking publicly in person or online.
Threatening physical violence.

Relational Bullying

Spreading false rumors, gossip, lies.
Socially excluding or shunning the victim.
Embarrassing the victim publicly.

Cyberbullying

Harassing with messages, texts, emails, online posts.
Posting embarrassing photos, personal information.
Creating fake accounts, websites, or doctored images to torment the victim.

In any form, the humiliation and fear caused by bullying leads victims to feel unsafe and worthless. It’s a major risk factor for mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. The trauma of severe or long-term bullying can last a lifetime.

Emotional Effects

All these harmful patterns – gaslighting, belittling, scapegoating, negging, bullying – can gradually normalize feelings of unworthiness in the victim. Common emotional outcomes include:

Feeling unloved, unwanted, or undeserving of love.

Losing trust in oneself and confidence in personal perceptions.
Hypersensitivity to criticism, rejection, and conflict.
Withdrawing socially due to insecurity and shame.

Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem.
Self-blame for problems beyond one’s control.
Feeling incapable, stupid, helpless, or clinically defective.

The manipulator’s goal is making targets feel dependent on them. By corroding self-worth, they gain power. Without intervention, these unhealthy relationship patterns can worsen mental health issues and destroy a person’s spirit.

Defense Strategies

If you experience another person making you feel unworthy or “not good enough,” here are some methods to defend against the emotional damage:

Acknowledge the mistreatment – Call out tactics like gaslighting when you notice them.

Collect evidence – Keep a journal tracking incidents and how they made you feel. Look back when you have doubts.
Talk to friends – Confide in trusted allies to get reassurance you’re not imagining the problem.
Set boundaries – Make clear what behaviors you won’t tolerate from others.

Seek counseling – Therapists can help process traumatic or abusive experiences in healthy ways.
Limit contact – Reduce interactions with toxic people as much as possible.
Practice self-care – Take good care of your physical and mental health.

Build self-confidence – Develop skills, engage in hobbies, and pursue achievements that make you feel capable.

You deserve to feel worthy of love and respect. Establish healthy boundaries and relationships that support your self-esteem. Don’t let others dictate your reality or worth.

Conclusion

When someone makes you feel unworthy through gaslighting, belittling, scapegoating, negging, bullying, or other tactics, it can gradually undermine your self-esteem and trust in yourself. These behaviors aim to make the victim feel weak, confused, and dependent on the manipulator. It’s important to recognize unhealthy dynamics in relationships and establish boundaries against emotional abuse. With time and effort, you can regain confidence in your self-worth. Therapists and support systems help counteract the damage from manipulation. Don’t let negative people dictate how you see yourself.