What is narcissism?
Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. Narcissists have an excessive sense of entitlement and a grandiose view of themselves. They are focused on themselves and often take advantage of others for personal gain. Narcissists tend to have very fragile egos and cannot handle criticism. They can be controlling, manipulative, and demanding in relationships.
Signs and symptoms of narcissism
| – Grandiose sense of self-importance |
| – Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance |
| – Belief they are special and unique |
| – Need for excessive admiration |
| – Sense of entitlement |
| – Exploitative behavior |
| – Lack of empathy |
| – Envious of others |
| – Arrogant attitudes and behaviors |
Narcissists often engage in behaviors like bragging, seeking attention, and diminishing others. They have unrealistic expectations in relationships and can be extremely sensitive to criticism. Their sense of self depends heavily on validation from others.
What does it mean to go silent or implement no contact with a narcissist?
Going silent or implementing no contact with a narcissist refers to cutting off all communication with the narcissistic person. This means:
- Not responding to calls, texts, emails, or other attempts to communicate
- Blocking the narcissist on social media and removing them from your contacts
- Refusing to see the narcissist in person
- Not having any direct or indirect contact through third parties
The goal is to remove the narcissist fully from your life and eliminate any avenue through which they could contact or harass you. It requires discipline to maintain no contact given the manipulative and aggressive behaviors narcissists will employ to get your attention.
Reasons for going no contact
There are several reasons why someone may choose to cut contact with a narcissist, including:
- To detach emotionally from an abusive or toxic relationship
- To take control and set boundaries for yourself
- The narcissist is causing too much distress and harm
- The relationship has become emotionally draining or damaging to your self-esteem
- You realize the narcissist will never change their behaviors
- To protect your mental health and move on from the relationship
- The narcissist refuses to respect your needs and boundaries
Essentially, cutting contact is a way to protect yourself and regain control over your life after dealing with the turbulent ups and downs of a relationship with a narcissist.
What is ghosting?
Ghosting refers to abruptly ending communication or severing a relationship by stopping all contact and communication with the other person without explanation. This differs from no contact, as ghosting often happens suddenly and without prior warning.
Signs of ghosting
- The person stops responding to your calls and messages
- You are blocked on their phone, email, and social media
- They stop making plans to see you
- Conversations and contact drop off without reason
- You get no closure on why communication ended
The person who is ghosted is often left wondering what happened. Unlike setting a clear boundary, the ghoster simply disappears without tying up loose ends.
Reasons someone might ghost
- They lost interest in the relationship
- Too many conflicts and drama in the relationship
- They started dating someone new
- You expressed needs they did not want to meet
- The other person has avoidant attachment
- They are not emotionally mature enough to have a difficult conversation
- To gain power and control over the situation
- They are passive aggressive and want to punish you
- They are bored and done with the relationship
While anyone can resort to ghosting, it is a behavior often associated with narcissists and those with avoidant attachment styles. For narcissists, ghosting can be a way to manipulate someone, provoke reactions, or instantly regain control if they feel challenged.
Is going no contact or ghosting recommended with a narcissist?
Most mental health experts recommend going no contact with a narcissist rather than ghosting:
- No contact provides closure and a clear boundary.
- It sends a definitive message the relationship is over.
- The narcissist cannot manipulate a return to the relationship.
- It helps the person going no contact emotionally detach.
- No contact is an empowering act to regain control.
- It helps establish strong personal boundaries long-term.
- Going no contact is a decision made with resolve and commitment.
Ghosting can come across as impulsive and emotionally immature. The lack of closure can prolong emotional recovery. Narcissists are also known for returning after ghosting to cause further emotional turmoil.
Tips for going no contact
- Announce your decision simply and calmly
- Remove all contact information for the narcissist
- Block them on all platforms – phone, email, social media
- Avoid mutual friends and family who may relay information
- Change locks and security codes if needed
- Seek supportive friends and family as an emotional sounding board
- Engage in self-care and activities unrelated to the narcissist
- Join support groups to understand common narcissistic tactics
- Consider seeking professional counseling
- Expect tests and hoovering attempts – remain disciplined in enforcing no contact
Going no contact requires resolve, preparation, and diligence. But it can be a pivotal step in freeing yourself from a narcissistic relationship.
What is the “gray rock method”?
The gray rock method refers to interacting with a narcissist in an extremely boring, emotionally flat manner if no contact is not possible. The name refers to being as interesting to the narcissist as a dull, gray rock.
Gray rock techniques
- Give short, uninteresting responses to their questions and statements
- Don’t offer unnecessary details about yourself or your life
- Don’t react emotionally or provide narcissistic supply
- Change the subject to mundane topics like the weather
- Limit your facial expressions and vocal intonation
- Always maintain a calm, even-keeled demeanor
- Do not engage in confrontations or arguments
- Redirect conversations to be about the narcissist
This discourages the narcissist from turning to you for attention, praise, drama, or validation. Done correctly, you become an utterly uninteresting target.
Benefits of gray rock
- Reduces control the narcissist has over you
- Minimizes chances for abuse or dramatics
- Allows you to remain detached and indifferent
- Prevents manipulation by withholding reactions
- Starves the narcissist of their emotional supply from you
- Can be an alternative to no contact when not possible
- Provides a degree of empowerment in interactions
The gray rock method takes awareness, focus, and discipline to implement successfully long-term with a narcissist. But it can be an effective way of reducing their provocations in situations where no contact is difficult.
How should you respond to hoovering attempts after going no contact?
Hoovering refers to when a narcissist attempts to “suck you back in” and regain contact after a period of no contact or after the end of a relationship. Examples of hoovering include:
- Love bombing with excessive flattery and admiration
- Bombarding with calls, texts, emails, gifts
- Turning up in person suddenly
- Using threats or aggression
- Trying to instill guilt, shame, or fear
- Making promises to change their behavior
- Saying they want to reconcile, forgive, or make amends
- Appearing vulnerable and seeking sympathy
The most effective responses are:
- No response – ignore all attempts no matter how persistent
- Re-state your no contact boundary if safety allows
- Block escalating communications
- Document incidents as evidence if needed
- Seek support from friends, family or professionals
- Remind yourself consistently of reasons for going no contact
Avoid getting drawn into communication or lengthy explanations. Be firm and consistent – the narcissist is highly unlikely to change and further contact only risks more manipulation.
Dealing with feelings during hoovering
Being on the receiving end of hoovering can be emotionally challenging. Common feelings include:
- Self-doubt
- Guilt
- Loneliness
- Feeling sorry for your ex
- Questioning if you made the right decision
- Anger at their manipulation
- Fear or intimidation
- Curiosity or temptation to respond
Remember hoovering is designed to provoke these reactions. Validate your feelings, but avoid getting swept up in them or making knee-jerk decisions to break no contact. Stay grounded in your self-care practices, focused on your goals, and surround yourself with supportive people.
Conclusion
Cutting contact with a narcissist can empower you to take back control of your life. While ghosting provides a sudden and clean break, going no contact sends a clear message you will no longer engage. Expect to be hoovered as the narcissist fights to regain supply and power. Respond with indifference rather than reacting emotionally. With time and perseverance, the benefits of no contact will outweigh the narcissist’s manipulation attempts. Going silent on a narcissist requires courage, resolve and patience, but can be a pivotal stepping stone in healing and moving forward.