The 3 month break up rule refers to the popular belief that it takes about 3 months to get over a breakup and move on from an ended relationship. The premise behind this rule is that the first 3 months after a breakup are the most difficult emotionally, so if you can make it through those initial 90 days, you’ll be well on your way to healing and recovering. This timeline gives the average person enough time to work through the various stages of a breakup, deal with their feelings, and start to regain perspective and closure after the end of a relationship.
Where did the 3 month break up rule come from?
The origins of the 3 month break up rule are unclear, but it’s a timeline that has been passed around in popular culture and dating advice for years. Some theorize that the timeframe may come from the typical duration of a college semester or quarter – after 3 months apart, students tend to move on from relationships that began back home. The 3 month mark is also when many experts say limerence starts to fade. Limerence is defined as an involuntary state of intense romantic desire and attachment that often occurs at the beginning of a relationship. As limerence subsides, couples transition into the next phase of bonding and commitment – or recognize that the relationship doesn’t have long-term potential.
What are the stages of a breakup?
Most people go through similar emotional stages after a breakup that align with the 3 month timeline. These include:
Shock
In the first few weeks after a breakup, it’s common to experience disbelief, emotional numbness, and a feeling that the end of the relationship isn’t real. You may swing rapidly between feeling okay one moment and completely devastated the next. The shock stage helps create some emotional distance from the pain.
Reality Setting In
After the initial shock wears off, reality starts to set in that the relationship is over. This leads to profound feelings of grief, anger, sadness, guilt, and regret. Crying, lack of motivation, and loss of appetite are common. Sleep disturbances also often occur. This stage may last a few weeks to a couple months.
Working Through Painful Feelings
As you move into the second month post-breakup and beyond, the extreme emotions tend to subside somewhat. You’ll still feel sad at times, but can better engage in productive activities again. This stage involves working through painful feelings and rebuilding your sense of identity. Journaling, talking with friends, joining new clubs, and diving into hobbies can help.
Regaining Perspective
In the third month after a breakup, you’ll start to regain perspective and feel more stable emotionally. You may think fondly of your ex at times, but won’t be overwhelmed by longing or grief. Your confidence builds back up and you start to open up to new possibilities.
Moving On
By the end of the third month, most people are able to move forward after a breakup, forgive their ex and themselves for mistakes, regain a sense of hope, and feel ready to take steps to start a new chapter. This timeline can vary based on the length and intensity of the relationship though.
Does the 3 month rule always apply?
The 3 month breakup rule isn’t necessarily scientifically proven or applicable to every situation. Healing from a breakup depends on many individual factors, including:
- How long you were together
- Level of commitment and intimacy
- Mutuality of breakup
- Presence of betrayal or toxicity
- Quality of relationship
- Availability of social support
- Your general emotional resilience
For example, it may take less than 3 months to move on from a short, casual relationship you weren’t deeply invested in. But it could potentially take longer than 3 months to heal after ending an engagement, marriage, or long-term partnership where you shared a home and pets. The more entangled and meaningful the relationship was, the more time it generally takes to fully process the loss and reorder your life without your ex.
How can you track your breakup recovery?
Rather than focusing on a set timeframe, a better approach is checking in with yourself regularly and tracking your own progress after a breakup. Here are some questions to reflect on to assess how you’re healing:
- Do you still cry or feel overwhelmingly sad when you think about your ex?
- Are you able to enjoy activities you used to do together?
- Have you taken steps to rebuild your individual identity?
- Are you able to wish your ex well and forgive mistakes?
- Do you still compulsively check their social media or hold onto hopes of reunifying?
- Are you feeling hopeful about your future and dating life?
If you can answer these questions in a way that indicates acceptance, self-sufficiency, and letting go of bitterness, you’re likely reaching the emotional closure needed to move forward in a healthy way.
What are some tips for getting over a breakup?
Whether it takes you less or more than 3 months, here are some proactive tips that can help you heal and recover after a breakup:
| Tips for Getting Over a Breakup |
|---|
| Let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship |
| Remove reminders of your ex from your daily life |
| Lean on your support system of close friends and family |
| Engage in self-care practices like exercising, eating well, and getting enough sleep |
| Pick up neglected hobbies or try new activities |
| Change up your environment by redecorating or planning a trip |
| Practice gratitude for what you learned from the relationship |
| Spend time visualizing and writing about your next chapter |
| Consider seeing a therapist if you’re really struggling |
How can you support someone going through a breakup?
If you have a friend or loved one who is grieving a recent breakup, here are some compassionate ways you can support them during the 3 months that are often the hardest:
- Let them vent and validate their feelings
- Comfort them without judgement
- Remind them it’s okay to feel sad or angry at times
- Discourage any urges to reunite or stalk their ex online
- Spend quality time together doing activities unrelated to the breakup
- Help them get rid of mementos that may be painful reminders
- Cheer them on as they start to engage in new hobbies and interests
- Celebrate small wins and steps forward after the breakup
When should you seek professional help after a breakup?
Most people are able to heal from a breakup over time with self-care and the support of loved ones. But it’s a good idea to consider seeing a mental health professional if:
- Your sadness or anxiety symptoms don’t start to improve after a couple months
- You engage in self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse or self-harm
- You have thoughts of harming yourself or your ex
- Your functioning is impaired – struggling with work, classes, caring for kids
- You’re experiencing severe depression, panic attacks, insomnia, or loss of appetite
- You’re experiencing intrusive thoughts about your ex
- Friends or family are very concerned about your well-being
A therapist can help if you get stuck processing the grief or don’t make progress toward acceptance and moving forward after a few months. They can provide tools to cope with unhelpful thought patterns, reduce anxiety, improve sleep, and rebuild self-esteem after a breakup.
What are some signs you may be ready to start dating again after a breakup?
Once enough time has passed after a breakup, you’ll often start to feel ready to get back out there and meet someone new. Signs may include:
- Not crying or feeling distraught when you think about your ex
- Feeling excited, rather than anxious, about the prospect of dating again
- No longer feeling the need to check up on your ex online
- Having more happy days than sad ones after the breakup
- Feeling comfortable doing activities you used to enjoy as a couple
- Accepting that it wasn’t meant to be and desiring different qualities in a new partner
- Less anger or bitterness toward your ex
- Feeling confident in who you are as an individual again
As a general guideline, it’s best to wait about a month for each year you were together before jumping back into dating. If it was a longer relationship, give yourself at least 3 months to heal so you’re bringing your best self to new connections.
Conclusion
Breakups are almost always difficult, no matter the circumstances. The so-called “3 month rule” is a helpful benchmark based on the average time it takes most people to start recovering from heartbreak, but your own timeline will depend on your unique situation. Be patient with yourself, lean on your support system, and focus on emotional self-care. With time and active reflection, you can make peace with the end of your past relationship and look forward to what exciting new adventures lie ahead. If you take it day by day, before you know it, you’ll start feeling more and more like your old self again.