The first stage of divorce is typically the initial separation and filing for divorce. This involves one spouse informing the other that they want a divorce, and then filing the initial divorce paperwork with the court. There are a few key steps in this initial stage:
Informing Your Spouse
The first step is telling your spouse you want a divorce. This conversation is often emotional and difficult. However, being direct and honest about your desire to end the marriage is important. Some tips for having this conversation include:
- Choose a private location to have the discussion
- Be clear about wanting a divorce but avoid placing blame
- Give your spouse time to process the news
- Discuss logistics like living arrangements if needed
- Be prepared for a variety of reactions from your spouse
Informing your spouse with empathy and clarity is crucial, even if the relationship has broken down. This step officially initiates the legal divorce proceedings.
Filing for Divorce
After telling your spouse you want a divorce, the next step is filing the initial divorce paperwork. This usually includes:
- Petition/Complaint for Dissolution of Marriage – This document declares you want a divorce and states basic information about you, your spouse, and your marriage.
- Summons – This requires your spouse to respond to your divorce filing within a certain timeframe (usually 20-30 days).
- Additional paperwork – Forms about minor children, financial disclosures, property division, etc. may be required upfront.
The initial divorce paperwork is filed with the court in your jurisdiction. Filing requirements vary by state. Most courts charge a filing fee between $200-$500 to officially open a divorce case.
Serving your spouse with the summons and a copy of the paperwork is also required. This is usually done by:
- Certified mail
- Process server
- Sheriff
Filing the initial divorce paperwork and serving your spouse puts the legal wheels in motion to end your marriage.
Your Spouse’s Response
Once served with your divorce petition, your spouse has a limited time (usually 30 days) to file a response with the court. Their response options typically include:
- File a response – This is your spouse’s opportunity to provide their side and make claims in the divorce. They can agree or dispute details in your filing.
- File a counter-petition – If you filed the initial paperwork, your spouse can file their own divorce petition as a counter-petition.
- Seek an extension – Your spouse can request more time to respond for any reason.
- Ignore the petition – If your spouse never responds, you can seek a default judgment for uncontested divorce.
Your spouse’s reaction sets the tone for how amicable or contentious the divorce process will be. Their response (or lack of) is their first legal step after you’ve filed.
Temporary Orders
Many couples need temporary orders established while the divorce is pending. Temporary orders cover things like:
- Child custody
- Child support
- Spousal support
- Financial restraints
- Living arrangements
- Insurance policies
Temporary orders are requested by motion and heard before a judge. Their purpose is to establish fair terms while the divorce is being finalized. Judges look at factors like income, parenting roles, marital history, and more when making these decisions.
Getting temporary orders can bring peace of mind and stability during what is often an uncertain time. They are not permanent, but rather in effect during the divorce process.
Attempting Reconciliation
During the initial separation, some couples reconsider divorce and attempt reconciliation. Reasons for reconciling may include:
- Having a change of heart
- Wanting to keep the family intact
- Facing pressure from family or religion
- Recognizing flaws of separation
- Receiving marriage counseling
Reconciliation happens most often early in the process, before extensive legal proceedings. Couples should seek marriage counseling and make efforts to communicate, compromise, and forgive. Reconciling requires commitment from both spouses to repair the relationship.
If reconciliation efforts fail, the divorce process can begin again at any time. However, the divorce may progress more quickly the second time around.
Key Emotions
The first stage of divorce provokes powerful emotions for most couples. Common feelings include:
- Stress – The pressures of separating and filing divorce paperwork is hugely stressful.
- Anger – Pent-up resentment and bursts of anger arise during conflicts over the divorce terms.
- Sadness – Grieving the end of a marriage is natural and results in sadness or depression.
- Relief – For some, finally filing for divorce brings a sense of relief after an unhappy marriage.
- Fear – The uncertainty of legal, financial and family life changes stirs up fear.
Working through the emotional side of divorce through counseling, support groups, journaling, or other outlets is vital for wellbeing.
Impact on Children
For couples with children, the initial separation has a significant impact on kids as well. Effects often include:
- Confusion and uncertainty about what’s happening
- Sadness, anger, fear, or blame over one parent moving out
- False hope that parents will reunite
- Worries about change like moving, child custody, or finances
- Feeling they are at fault or could have prevented the divorce
Creating a nurturing, stable environment and maintaining routines helps children adjust during this transition. Ongoing counseling may help them process the emotions.
Financial Changes
Filing for divorce ushers in many financial changes and hardships. During the initial separation, couples often face:
- The expenses of maintaining two households
- Dividing bank accounts and assets
- Paying for individual health insurance policies
- Costs of divorce litigation and attorneys
- Disruption of routines like bill paying or childcare
Creating a budget and money management plan can help each spouse gain control over finances. Court orders for spousal and child support also ease the financial strain.
Social Changes
The social impacts of separation start immediately as well. Spouses must navigate:
- Telling family, friends, and community about the divorce
- Facing judgment or disappointment from others
- Establishing new social circles or routines
- Dating again and other single life changes
- Spending holidays and events newly single
Building a strong support system is essential during huge social transitions like divorce. Individual counseling provides an outlet too.
Legal Preparation
Legally preparing during the initial separation helps streamline the process. Important steps include:
- Gathering documents (tax returns, deeds, bank statements)
- Listing marital assets and debts
- Choosing an attorney
- Understanding state laws and local procedures
- Compiling information your lawyer will need
Being organized with your paperwork and working closely with your attorney sets you up for legal success.
Initiating Separation
When one spouse moves out, it marks the beginning of the physical separation. Emotionally, this step is difficult but necessary to initiate the independent lives spouses will live post-divorce. It involves steps like:
- Finding a separate residence
- Splitting up belongings
- Setting up new living spaces
- Creating visitation schedules for children
- Adjusting to solo routines
The initial physical separation is often turbulent. Adaptation takes time but establishes your life as a newly single person.
Seeking Support
Good emotional support is a lifeline during the stressful early stages of divorce. Support resources may include:
- Individual counseling – Provides an outlet to process emotions with a neutral third party.
- Support groups – Connecting with others experiencing divorce offers understanding.
- Family & friends – Loved ones can listen, comfort, and assist with daily needs.
- Religious community – Many find solace through faith-based support.
- Online forums – Anonymous divorce forums provide chances to vent and share advice.
Seeking support, especially emotional support, empowers you to take control during divorce.
Self Care
Practicing self-care helps relieve stress during the challenges of initial separation. Helpful self-care strategies include:
- Exercising regularly
- Eating a healthy diet
- Getting enough sleep
- Pursuing hobbies you enjoy
- Making time for relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, or massage
- Staying connected socially
- Avoiding alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy coping mechanisms
Attending to your mental and physical wellbeing with self-care makes the demands of divorce more manageable.
Letting Go
An important aspect of the first stage of divorce is starting to let go of the marriage. This involves steps such as:
- No longer doing things as a couple romantically
- Separating your finances and assets
- Dividing belongings like clothes, photos, and keepsakes
- Shifting mental focus toward your new future
- Adjusting to different routines and living arrangements
- Untangling your social life from your ex
Letting go in phases helps you embrace your independent life post-divorce in a healthy way.
Looking Ahead
During the angst of initial separation, looking ahead to the future brings hope. Things to envision include:
- Finding your footing again as a single person
- Exploring new interests or passions
- Creating the lifestyle you want
- Spending quality time with loved ones
- Building fulfilling friendships
- Embarking on exciting travels or adventures
The possibilities ahead are endless. Focusing on a bright future propels you forward.
Conclusion
The first stage of divorce revolves around initiating the legal process and physical separation from your spouse. It involves emotional conversations, filing paperwork, dividing finances, establishing temporary orders, separating households, untangling lives, and gradually letting go of the marriage. While this stage brings stress and difficulty, self-care, support, and optimism can carry you through. The initial separation leads the way to emerging from divorce stronger on the journey ahead.