Children are vulnerable and impressionable, so the words we say to them can have a profound impact. As parents and caregivers, we want to build up their self-esteem and help them feel secure. However, it’s easy to damage a child with thoughtless or cruel remarks. So what are the most hurtful things we can say to kids?
Criticizing Their Appearance
Commenting negatively on a child’s looks can be incredibly damaging to their self-image. Saying things like “You’re so ugly” or “You’re too fat/skinny” sends the message that they are flawed or unacceptable. Children internalize these comments and may struggle with body image issues or eating disorders down the road. Even seemingly innocuous remarks about their hair, face, or body size can make kids feel bad about themselves.
Insulting Their Intelligence
Telling children they are “stupid,” “dumb,” or “idiots” is cruel and harmful. These insults attack their self-worth and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. A child who hears this repeatedly may start to believe it and give up trying to learn. Negatively comparing them to siblings or classmates has a similar effect. Children need encouragement, not digs at their intellect.
Threatening Abandonment
Saying things like “I’m going to leave you here all alone” or “I don’t want you anymore” are incredibly scary for young kids. These threats attack their sense of safety and trigger fears of being unloved. Children depend on caregivers for survival, so threatening abandonment shakes the very foundation of their world. It can cause lasting damage to the parent-child bond.
Shaming Them
Statements intended to induce guilt, like “You should be ashamed of yourself” or “How could you do something so awful?” are harmful to a child’s developing mind. Shame often leads kids to hide mistakes rather than learn from them. It can seriously undermine their confidence and willingness to try new things. Kids need room to make errors and guidance to get back on track in a positive way.
Curse Words and Slurs
Using offensive, vulgar, or discriminatory language with children promotes harmful attitudes. Racial slurs, misogynistic terms, homophobic phrases, and curse words are not acceptable to direct at kids. Young minds are shaped by the words they hear. We do not want to normalize cruelty, bigotry, or profanity. Name-calling should have no place in talking to children.
Comparing Them to Others
“Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister/that smart kid in class?” This kind of comparison pits children against each other in unhealthy ways. Each child is unique with their own strengths, so negative comparisons are unhelpful. Drawing these kinds of comparisons too often may lead kids to resent their siblings or classmates. Kids need to be appreciated for who they are.
Breaking Promises and Lying
Children notice when the adults in their lives do not follow through on promises. Broken vows like not showing up for an event or lying about getting a desired gift erodes kids’ trust. They may become more likely to break promises themselves. Plus, children see and model what trusted adults do. Dishonesty from caregivers provides a poor example for kids.
Predicting Negative Outcomes
“You’re going to fail that test” or “You’ll never make the team” are unhelpful phrases. While realistic expectations are healthy, assuming kids will underperform is discouraging. Children need confidence that hard work pays off. Undermining them by predicting failure can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Focus criticism on behaviors, not fixed personality traits.
Saying “I Don’t Love You”
Nothing hurts a child more than feeling unloved, especially by their caregivers. Saying “I don’t love you” in a moment of anger has intense emotional consequences. Children whose parents say this to them tend to struggle with self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. All kids need unconditional love. Be careful because these words can inflict deep, lasting wounds.
Name-Calling and Teasing
Derogatory labels like “weirdo,” “loser,” “brat,” or “crybaby” are very disrespectful. Name-calling signals rejection and conveys that something is wrong with the child. It breeds insecurity and self-hatred. The same goes for malicious teasing, even if it’s framed as “just joking.” Sarcasm and mocking are not appropriate ways to communicate with kids.
Yelling, Cursing, and Insulting
Explosive anger with harsh language is frightening and scarring for children. When adults lose control and lash out with yelling, profanity, or insults, it becomes child abuse. Short fuses convey that violence and cruelty are acceptable. Kids subjected to verbal abuse can develop anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. This behavior from caregivers is always unacceptable.
Making Fun of Their Interests
Ridiculing a child’s hobbies, passions, or goals stifles their self-expression. Comments like “That’s stupid” or “You’ll never make it as an artist/dancer/singer” discourages kids from pursuing talents and dreams. Supporting children, even if their interests seem impractical or silly, gives them confidence. Do not tear down what they value or enjoy.
Discouraging Emotional Displays
Telling kids to “stop crying” or to “toughen up” shames them for having emotions. Statements like “boys don’t cry” teach unhealthy stereotypes. Children need to feel safe expressing feelings like sadness, anger, and fear. Forcing them to bottle up emotions causes long-term problems. Validate their reactions and help kids process feelings in healthy ways.
Any Threat of Violence
The most traumatic and harmful thing an adult can say is threatening to harm a child. Statements like “I’m going to hit you so hard” or “I’ll kill you” are incredibly disturbing and dangerous. Even if not followed by action, these threats suggest violence is an option for discipline. That inflicts deep wounds and a lifetime of trauma. Violent threats have no place in parenting.
Conclusion
Children are deeply affected by the words spoken to them by caregivers. Cruel remarks can cause lasting damage, while kind, supportive words help kids thrive. As parents and teachers, we must be mindful of how we communicate. Avoid criticism, shaming, name-calling, and lies. Instead, offer unconditional love, set realistic expectations, and encourage kids positively. Our words have immense power to uplift or destroy a child’s self-image.