Having a healthy and happy relationship requires effort from both partners. While relationships take compromise, there are certain behaviors that cross the line and should be considered unacceptable. Knowing what is and isn’t okay can help you set boundaries in your relationship.
Lying
Trust is the foundation of every strong relationship. When someone lies, it breaks that trust and causes the other person to doubt the liar’s intentions. Little white lies, while not ideal, may be forgivable depending on the context. Bigger lies about money, fidelity, or other meaningful topics are unacceptable in a committed relationship.
Why lying destroys trust
Lying erodes trust because it makes one partner feel like they cannot rely on or believe the other person. It causes them to question what is real and doubt their ability to be honest with each other. Once trust is broken, it can be incredibly difficult to rebuild.
Examples of unacceptable lies
- Cheating and covering it up
- Hiding financial debts or assets
- Lying about big life plans, like having children
- Consistently lying about minor things
Disrespect
All relationships should be built on mutual respect. Partners who genuinely respect each other value each other’s opinions, needs, and desires. Disrespect can show up in obvious ways like insults, but also in subtle ways like dismissal and judgment.
Forms of disrespect
- Insulting or making fun of your partner
- Talking over them or ignoring their input
- Criticizing their appearance, interests, or personality
- Threats and intimidation
Impact of disrespect
Disrespect takes a major toll on relationships. The disrespected partner feels belittled and worthless. It damages their self-esteem and makes them feel like their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. Over time, the emotional toll can be severe.
Financial Secrecy
Open communication about finances is key for many relationships. Keeping your partner completely in the dark about money or lying about debts, spending, or assets is unacceptable.
Why financial secrecy destroys trust
Not being truthful about finances betrays your partner’s trust. It can put them in severe financial risk without their consent. Financial infidelity makes it impossible to make joint financial decisions or plan for the future together.
Examples of unacceptable financial secrecy
- Hiding debts or bankruptcy
- Having secret credit cards or accounts
- Lying about income or inheritance
- Refusing to share financial information
Controlling or Abusive Behavior
Attempting to control a partner through threats, intimidation, or emotional or physical abuse is never acceptable. Unfortunately, abusive behavior can emerge slowly over time, but should be addressed immediately.
Types of controlling behavior
Emotional | Physical | Financial |
---|---|---|
Excessive monitoring of partner’s activities or communications | Hitting, slapping, or shoving | Restricting access to bank accounts or credit cards |
Name-calling and degradation | Preventing medical care | Controlling all finances without discussion |
Isolation from family or friends | Throwing things | Demanding receipts for all purchases |
Abusive behavior should always end the relationship
Attempting to control or harm your partner has no place in a loving relationship. While couples can work through many challenges with effort and counseling, abuse indicates it is time to safely walk away.
Cheating
Having intimate relationships outside of the agreed upon boundaries of your partnership is considered cheating. For most couples, any sexual or romantic contact with others is unacceptable once committed.
Types of cheating
- Sexual infidelity
- Emotional infidelity like falling in love with someone else
- Online infidelity like sexting or usage of dating apps
- Sexual contact without intercourse
Impact of cheating
Cheating often deeply hurts the betrayed partner by shattering their trust and self-esteem. It also puts them at risk for STDs. While some couples can heal after cheating through counseling, the damage is often irreparable.
Substance Abuse
While supportive partners may try to help at first, relationships can’t survive unchecked addiction long-term. Refusing treatment or lying about drug or alcohol abuse is unacceptable.
Signs of substance abuse
- Drinking to excess regularly
- Repeatedly driving drunk or high
- Using drugs even when it causes problems
- Hiding drug or alcohol use
Effects of substance abuse on relationships
Partners with untreated addiction become unreliable and volatile. Substances cloud their judgment, worsen mental health issues, and erase inhibitions. This leads to financial issues, poor decision making, and neglect of the non-abusing partner.
Laziness
Relationships involve teamwork, so both partners must pull their own weight. Refusing to work, contribute to housework, or help with childcare builds resentment and frustration in the relationship.
Signs of an unacceptable lazy partner
- Unemployed with no effort to find work
- Spends free time on entertainment instead of chores
- Leaves messes for you to clean up
- Shirks childcare duties
- Always late or forgetful of responsibilities
Effects of laziness on relationships
Lazy partners force the other person to carry an unfair burden. This leads to anger and bitterness. It can also create financial strain if they are unwilling to work. The partner pulling all the weight will grow exhausted and feel disrespected.
Dishonesty
Partners should be able to trust that what their significant other says is true. Constant dishonesty and deception creates insecurity and suspicion.
Examples of dishonesty
- Exaggerating accomplishments or talents
- Lying about past relationships or marital status
- Feigning interest in your hobbies and friends
- Calling in sick to work frequently without actual illness
Effects of dishonesty
Dishonesty makes the liar appear untrustworthy and morally compromised. The partner being lied to feels betrayed and unable to distinguish truth from fiction. Dishonesty corrodes intimacy and stability in the relationship over time.
Physical Appearance Criticism
Partners should build each other up, not tear each other down. Excessive criticism or control around eating, exercise, beauty routines, clothing, or weight is demeaning.
Examples of hurtful criticism
- Insulting or policing your partner’s food choices
- Making them feel unattractive
- Shaming your partner for not going to the gym
- Telling your partner they need makeup, surgery, Botox, etc.
Impact on self-esteem
Appearance-focused criticism communicates rejection. It destroys confidence and leads to body image issues or disordered eating. A caring, supportive partner shouldn’t try to control your looks.
Stonewalling
Refusing to communicate or engage during conflict is called stonewalling. It could involve giving your partner the silent treatment or completely shutting down. Stonewalling is counterproductive to resolving disagreements.
Examples of stonewalling
- Saying you don’t want to talk anymore and leaving the room
- Ignoring questions or conversations about the issue
- Shutting down and not providing any feedback
Why stonewalling is destructive
Stonewalling prevents working through differences and breeds distance between partners. The stonewalled partner feels dismissed and unimportant. Without communication, resentments and loneliness build until the relationship crumbles.
Infidelity
Most committed relationships expect monogamy. Cheating breaks trust and severely hurts the betrayed partner. Physical and emotional affairs are unacceptable to most.
Types of cheating
- Sexual flings, affairs, one-night stands
- Emotional connections like falling in love outside the relationship
- Online interactions like sexting or using dating apps
- Sexual activities without intercourse like oral sex
Impact on the cheated-on partner
Infidelity often traumatizes the betrayed partner. They can experience crushed self-esteem, rage, deep sadness, and mistrust. It puts them at risk for STDs. While some couples reconcile, cheating frequently ends relationships.
Neglect
Feeling neglected emotionally and physically by your partner breeds loneliness. Spending little quality time together or showing little interest in your life conveys disregard.
Ways partners neglect each other
- Spending minimal conversation or leisure time together
- Frequently being too busy or disinterested to engage
- Rejecting physical and sexual intimacy
- Paying little attention to your news, moods, or needs
Consequences of neglect
Ongoing neglect makes partners feel unappreciated and unimportant. They can become touch-starved and detached. Neglect can cause affairs or prompt breakups when one partner seeks the intimacy they crave elsewhere.
Absence of Intimacy
Physical intimacy and sex tend to be important bonding experiences for couples. When one partner refuses closeness, it leaves the other feeling unattractive and unloved.
What causes a lack of physical intimacy
- Low libido or health problems
- Loss of attraction
- Anger or resentment
- Performance anxiety
- Prioritizing other activities over couple time
Impact on the intimate-seeking partner
The rejected partner often feels ugly, undesirable, and uncared for when physical intimacy ceases. Humans have innate needs for closeness and touch. Without this connection couples can grow distant.
Financial Irresponsibility
Partners who are financially unstable or irresponsible put the relationship at risk. Spending outside your means, accruing debt, hiding purchases, or refusing to work can destroy relationships.
Behaviors of a financially irresponsible partner
- Living beyond their income
- Being evicted or having utilities shut off
- Hiding spending and racking up secret debt
- Making large purchases without discussion
- Quitting jobs on a whim
Strain placed on relationships
A partner’s financial issues often create relationship tension. Reckless spending can necessitate expensive bail-outs. Unstable income prevents couples from budgeting or saving for the future. Ongoing money conflicts frequently end relationships.
Conclusion
While every relationship requires effort and understanding between imperfect humans, certain behaviors cross the line. Things like abuse, cheating, deception, and disrespect betray the love and trust that relationships are built on. Setting clear boundaries around unacceptable actions can help guide both you and your partner.