Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD struggle to regulate their emotions, resulting in intense, unstable interpersonal relationships. This can make maintaining healthy, stable romantic relationships very challenging for those with BPD.
In this article, we will explore what it’s like to have BPD in an intimate relationship. We’ll cover the interpersonal challenges those with BPD face, how BPD symptoms impact relationships, advice for supporting a partner with BPD, and tips for those with BPD to manage their symptoms in a relationship context. Gaining insight into these dynamics can help improve understanding and compassion for those living with BPD.
Challenges of BPD in Relationships
There are several key interpersonal challenges that make relationships difficult for those with BPD:
Emotional Dysregulation
One of the hallmarks of BPD is difficulty regulating emotions. People with BPD experience emotions very intensely and have trouble bringing themselves back down to a baseline level when upset. Their emotions tend to spiral out of control rapidly. This emotional volatility makes maintaining stability in relationships very difficult.
Fear of Abandonment
Those with BPD have an extreme fear of abandonment and rejection. They worry their partner will leave them at any moment, and this intense fear drives a lot of their behavior. They have difficulty trusting and may constantly seek reassurance from their partner.
Unstable Self-Image
People with BPD suffer from very low self-esteem and struggle to maintain a stable self-image. They have a fragile sense of self that is highly influenced by those around them. This makes their behavior and even personal values change frequently as they conform to whoever they are with at the time.
Impulsiveness
Impulsive behavior is common with BPD. Those struggling with the disorder may make reckless decisions like substance abuse, reckless driving, binge spending, or risky sexual behavior. This impulsivity can damage relationships.
Intense Anger
Rapid mood swings between anger and depression are common with BPD. Sufferers often have trouble controlling angry outbursts and intense reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation at hand. This makes relationships rocky.
Black and White Thinking
People with BPD tend to see things in extremes, either all good or all bad. This black and white thinking extends to how they see people. They may idealize their partner at first putting them on a pedestal, then rapidly shift to seeing them as cruel and hurtful, often for a minor infraction. Their views fluctuate between extremes.
How BPD Symptoms Impact Relationships
Let’s explore how the key symptoms of BPD play out in an intimate relationship context:
Fear of Abandonment
The fear of abandonment can lead those with BPD to be clingy and controlling in relationships. They desperately fear their partner leaving, so they may try to control their behavior. This can include getting angry if their partner wants alone time, constantly texting and calling, isolating their partner from friends and family, making false accusations, and emotionally manipulating their partner to get reassurance.
Unstable Self-Image and Chameleon-like Behavior
The unstable sense of self means those with BPD have difficulty maintaining their own values, likes, dislikes, goals, and identity. Instead, they tend to mold themselves to their current favorite person and take on their identity, values, and interests. In relationships this can mean they give up their own hobbies, friend groups, goals, and even values to please their partner. Their personality seems to change to match whoever they are dating.
Splitting in Relationships
Those with BPD tend to categorize people as either all good or all bad, with little middle ground. They may idealize a new partner, putting them on a pedestal. But once the honeymoon phase ends, they can shift to seeing them as cruel and abusive, despising them. Their view of their partner fluctuates between extremes, making for a rollercoaster relationship.
Emotional Roller Coaster
The emotional volatility of BPD means their mood is like a rollercoaster their partner has to ride with them. One moment they are affectionate, elated, and happy, the next they may be enraged, depressed, or suicidal over a minor occurrence. Their extreme mood swings between euphoria and despair make relationships extremely chaotic.
Substance Abuse
Risky behaviors like alcohol and drug abuse are common with untreated BPD. Substance abuse habits can take a toll on relationships, making the person unreliable and unpredictable. Addictive behaviors will likely get worse during difficult relationship periods.
Anger and Aggression
The intense, uncontrolled anger outbursts that occur with BPD can be terrifying for romantic partners. They may lash out verbally and physically, throwing or breaking things during arguments. These aggressive reactions can be traumatizing for partners.
Impulsiveness and Reckless Behaviors
Impulsive behaviors like gambling, substance abuse, reckless spending, dangerous driving, and risky sex can damage relationships. The partner with BPD may drain bank accounts, betray trusts, and make choices that imperil the partnership due to poor impulse control. This makes maintaining the relationship extremely hard.
Hypersensitive to Perceived Abandonment Cues
People with BPD are hyper alert to any perceived cues their partner may leave them or lose interest in the relationship. A partner going out with friends, needing alone time, not responding quickly to texts or calls, or not paying enough attention may all be perceived as evidence they will be abandoned. This triggers extreme emotional reactions and desperate attempts to cling tighter to their partner.
Difficulty With Intimacy
Many suffering from BPD struggle to achieve true emotional intimacy in romantic relationships. They desperately fear both being abandoned and engulfed by their partner. They pull away and push partners away when they feel too close. Their fear of intimacy sabotages relationships.
Trouble Managing Conflict
Arguments with a romantic partner are likely to trigger a BPD sufferer’s fear of abandonment. They may react to conflict by lashing out violently or making suicidal threats or gestures as a desperate way to express pain and cling to their partner. They have great difficulty calmly discussing disagreements.
Supporting a Partner with BPD
Being in a romantic relationship with someone who has BPD can be challenging, but there are ways you can support your partner and improve the relationship:
Encourage Their Therapy Treatment
Treatment like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help your partner manage BPD symptoms. Support their commitment to therapy and practice new coping skills with them. This can reduce relationship turmoil.
Set Healthy Boundaries
You must set clear boundaries around controlling behavior, anger outbursts, substance abuse, reckless impulses, and emotional manipulation. Make it clear you will not tolerate abuse. Stay calm and firm when maintaining boundaries.
Give Them Reassurance
Since they fear abandonment, regularly reassure your partner of your love and commitment. Small gestures like a hug, loving note, or validating their feelings helps them feel secure. But avoid enabling clingy behavior.
Practice Validation
Validation means listening without judgment and communicating you understand their feelings. This helps calm emotional escalation and makes them feel heard and respected.
Avoid Triggers
Learn what situations trigger your partner’s symptoms like feeling ignored, alone time requests, certain tone of voice, etc. Avoid these relationship triggers whenever possible to reduce outbursts.
Maintain Your Social Support System
Don’t let their fear of abandonment isolate you socially. Maintain friendships, hobbies, and outside support systems. Insist on time for activities apart to preserve your independence.
Manage Your Reactions
When they lash out, speak calmly and reassuringly. Don’t retaliate or escalate the situation. Walk away if needed until things de-escalate. Your reactions can fuel or calm a situation.
Encourage Their Independence
Gently encourage them to maintain their own identity, values, hobbies and friendships outside the relationship. Support their personal growth. This builds a sense of self apart from you.
Communicate Clearly
Speak plainly, directly and respectfully. Ambiguity can trigger misinterpretation of your words as rejection. BPD makes “mind reading” difficult, so they benefit from direct communication.
Watch for Warning Signs
Stay alert for signs they are escalating or suicidal thoughts may be developing. Have emergency numbers on hand if needed. Leave immediately if violence erupts and call emergency services if needed to protect everyone.
Consider Couples Counseling
BPD puts extreme stress on relationships. Seeking guidance from a couples counselor familiar with BPD can provide coping strategies tailored to your unique situation. Having an objective mediator helps.
Take Care of Yourself
Living with a loved one’s BPD symptoms leads to caregiver burnout over time. Make sure to take time for self-care activities like exercise, socializing, relaxing hobbies, and therapy for yourself. Set an example of healthy self-care.
Tips for Managing BPD in a Relationship
If you have BPD, you can take steps to help reduce relationship turmoil and work on recovery:
Commit Fully to Treatment
Dedicate yourself to dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), medications, and other therapeutic interventions your doctor recommends. This is the most effective way to manage BPD relationship struggles.
Practice Self-Soothe Techniques
DBT teaches distress tolerance skills for self-soothing like mindfulness, relaxation methods, sensory distraction, and self-care. Use these whenever you feel an emotional spiral starting.
Learn to Tolerate Aloneness
With practice, you can overcome the terror of abandonment you feel when a partner needs alone time or goes out without you. Gradually expose yourself to short periods of separation to build tolerance.
Build Your Identity Outside the Relationship
Work on pursuing your own interests, values, hobbies, friendships, and life dreams. This provides a sense of self apart from your partner that persists if the relationship ends.
Communicate Openly and Respectfully
Practice direct, assertive (not aggressive) communication. Manage conflict in a calm, fair manner. Seek compromise. This builds trust and understanding.
Give Your Partner Space
Fight the urge to be controlling when you fear abandonment. Let your partner maintain their outside friendships, interests, and activities. Try to accept their need for occasional alone time.
Apologize for Harmful Behaviors
If you lash out verbally, make reckless choices, or act controlling, be accountable. Sincerely apologize and commit to learning better coping strategies with the help of your therapist.
Write Down Intense Emotions
Keep a journal to get overwhelming emotions out on paper when they arise. This can help you process them so they don’t explode on your partner.
Avoid Drugs and Alcohol
Substance abuse makes BPD symptoms far worse. Maintain sobriety with support groups and therapy for addiction issues. This protects your relationship.
Learn to Recognize Escalation Stages
Pay attention to thoughts, emotions, and body cues that signal you are moving from calm to angry to out of control. Take breaks as soon as you notice escalation starting.
Thank Your Partner for Their Patience
Recognize that your symptoms put significant stress on your partner. Express real gratitude for their loyalty, patience and support. This appreciation helps sustain the relationship.
Check Facts, Not Feelings
When you believe your partner will leave you, check real evidence before concluding that fear is fact. Ask yourself, “Is that thought actually true, or is it my BPD fear talking?”
BPD and Breaking Up
The turbulence of BPD can lead to romantic relationships ending painfully, often after much strife. A breakup or divorce is an excruciating experience for someone with BPD. Their greatest fear is coming true, and they face the terror of abandonment.
When a relationship ends, it is crucial for the person with BPD to reach out for additional professional support and relies heavily on self-soothing skills, regardless of who initiated the break up. Following a mindful self-care routine, spending increased time with caring family and friends, joining a support group, and avoiding isolation can also help them through this very difficult transition in a healthier manner.
For the former partner of a person with BPD, it is understandable to feel relief or peace after leaving a draining and volatile relationship. However, try to avoid potentially toxic “venting” about your ex with BPD, which may cross into ableist language. Focus instead on your own self-care and healing process. Wishing them well on their recovery journey, from a safe emotional and physical distance, is ideal. With good boundaries, compassion, and professional help, a relationship ending can start the journey of healing for both parties.
Conclusion
Borderline personality disorder poses some significant challenges in romantic relationships that require compassion, education, professional treatment, and dedication from both partners to overcome. While difficult, relationships where one person suffers from BPD can absolutely succeed and thrive. It simply requires learning new communication and coping strategies tailored to the specific symptoms at play. With an openness to gain greater understanding of BPD and how it impacts relationships, both partners can find ways to help love prevail, even in the face of mental illness.