Narcissists tend to have an insecure attachment style that stems from early childhood experiences. While there are different types of insecure attachment, research shows that those with narcissistic tendencies often have an anxious-preoccupied or dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory proposes that the type of bond formed between a child and their primary caregiver(s) during infancy and childhood has an impact on their socioemotional development. It affects how they view themselves, interact with others, and form relationships throughout their lives.
There are four main attachment styles:
- Secure – Children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure with caregiver. Leads to capacity for healthy relationships.
- Anxious-Preoccupied – Children feel unsure and anxious about caregiver’s availability and ability to meet their needs. Leads to preoccupation with relationships.
- Dismissive-Avoidant – Children feel independent from caregiver and avoid intimacy or dependence in relationships. May appear distant.
- Disorganized – Children feel fear toward caregiver. Leads to difficulty coping in relationships.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style desperately crave intimacy, approval, and closeness in their relationships. However, they constantly fear rejection and abandonment. Their anxiety leaves them acting clingy, jealous, or attempting to control their partner.
This style likely develops when a child’s caregiver is inconsistently responsive. The child learns that the best way to get their needs met is to cling to their caregiver when available.
As adults, these individuals are preoccupied with their relationships. They seek excessive contact, reassurance, and intimacy from partners but never feel truly secure in their attachment. They may believe “I am not ok unless my partner is with me.”
How Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Manifests in Narcissists
Narcissists with this attachment style desperately crave intimacy from their supply of attention. However, they also fear being abandoned by them. This manifests in the following behaviors:
- Excessive reassurance seeking
- Jealousy and possessiveness
- Accusations of infidelity
- Manipulation to get attention
- Severe reactions to perceived abandonment
Their anxiety stems from an inherent fear that their partner will see their flaws and leave them. The narcissist relies on constant validation from their partner to stabilize their self-worth.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style subconsciously suppress their need for intimacy. They emphasize independence, self-sufficiency, and maintaining emotional distance from others.
This style likely develops when a child’s caregiver is neglectful or rejecting of their needs. The child learns that relying on others or seeking intimacy only leads to disappointment.
As adults, these individuals are dismissive of intimacy and avoidant of commitment in relationships. They may believe “I am ok as long as I don’t rely on others.”
How Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Manifests in Narcissists
Narcissists with this attachment style seek partners more for validation than intimacy. They dismiss and avoid true closeness to protect their fragile self-esteem. This manifests in the following behaviors:
- Avoidance of emotional intimacy
- Disinterest in partner’s needs
- Distancing behaviors
- Flirtation outside the relationship
- Game-playing
Their avoidance stems from a deep subconscious fear of rejection. By avoiding dependence on a romantic partner, the narcissist protects themself from being abandoned or disappointed.
What Causes Insecure Attachment in Narcissists?
Research shows that insecure attachment styles often form in early childhood due to dysfunctional parent-child dynamics. Some patterns seen in narcissists include:
- Overindulgence – Parents who overindulge a child and make them feel special and superior. This leads to feelings of entitlement.
- Overvaluation – Parents who focus heavily on a child’s looks, talent, or other attributes rather than supporting their emotional needs.
- Neglect – Parents who are detached, unresponsive, or neglectful of a child’s emotional needs.
- Authoritarian parenting – Parents who are very controlling and place heavy expectations on the child to reflect well on the family.
- Trauma – Events like abuse, loss of a caregiver, or family instability that impact attachment in childhood.
These dysfunctional family dynamics interfere with a child’s ability to form a secure attachment. The result is an insecurely attached narcissist who struggles to create stability and intimacy in relationships.
How Insecure Attachment Affects a Narcissist’s Relationships
An insecure attachment style leads to predictable behavioral patterns that sabotage a narcissist’s adult relationships including:
- Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
- Cheating due to fear of commitment
- Manipulation and game-playing
- Explosive reactions to perceived abandonment
- Devaluation of partner’s needs
- Lack of emotional intimacy
These destructive behaviors all have roots in the narcissist’s fears around attachment. Their coping mechanisms damage relationships and reinforce the narcissist’s negative self-fulfilling prophecy about love.
Why It’s Hard to Have a Healthy Relationship With An Insecurely Attached Narcissist
Trying to have a fulfilling relationship with a narcissist is extremely challenging. Their insecure attachment causes a lack of trust, intimacy, and stability in the relationship. Partners often feel lonely, used, or abandoned.
Typical issues that arise include:
- One-sided relationship – Fixation is on the narcissist’s needs only.
- Manipulation and deceit
- Unlikeable behavior toward partner when not adequately propped up.
- Seeing partner as an object or accessory rather than an equal.
- Refusal to take accountability or meet partner’s needs.
- High risk of infidelity due to lack of emotional intimacy.
The narcissist’s defenses also make it difficult for them to accept feedback or change negative dynamics in the relationship. They need significant therapy to overcome insecure attachment patterns.
Can a Narcissist’s Attachment Style Change?
It is possible for an insecurely attached narcissist to develop greater security in their close relationships, but it requires time, effort, and commitment to change. Some key factors include:
- Awareness. A narcissist must realize their attachment issues are negatively impacting their relationships.
- Therapy. Working with a therapist can help identify root causes of attachment insecurity and learn new coping tools for relationships.
- Relearning early lessons. Essentially, narcissists must re-internalize lessons of how to feel safe and secure with a caregiver (partner).
- Commitment to growth. Real change requires openness to feedback, self-awareness, and a willingness to address fears around attachment.
With time, effort, and an examined understanding of their childhood attachment wounds, lasting change is possible. However, in many cases, it may require years of in-depth therapy.
Conclusion
In summary, narcissists are likely to have either an anxious-preoccupied or dismissive-avoidant attachment style due to insecure early childhood bonds with caregivers. Their fear of intimacy and reliance on self-sufficiency sabotage adult relationships. Change is difficult but possible if the narcissist commits to therapeutic healing and relearning what it means to feel secure with a partner.