A sexless marriage is typically defined as one in which couples have sex 10 times or fewer per year. While there are many possible reasons for a sexless marriage, the lack of physical intimacy can take a serious toll on couples over time. At what point should you decide to walk away from a marriage that has become sexless? There are no easy answers, but asking yourself the right questions can help provide clarity.
How do you define a sexless marriage?
There is no set number of times per year that officially qualifies a marriage as sexless. However, experts often use 10 or fewer times per year as the threshold. According to one study, about 15-20% of married couples fall into the category of a sexless marriage.
Some key signs you may be in a sexless marriage include:
- You rarely, if ever, have sex anymore.
- One or both partners continually make excuses to avoid intimacy.
- Sex feels more like a chore than a pleasurable activity.
- You can’t remember the last time you felt passionate with your spouse.
- There is tension, awkwardness, or avoidance around physical affection.
If this describes your marriage for an extended period, you likely have a sexless marriage on your hands.
Why do sexless marriages happen?
There are many complex reasons why marriages may become sexless over time. Here are some of the most common causes:
Lack of emotional intimacy
For many couples, emotional intimacy is tightly linked to physical intimacy. If your relationship lacks meaningful communication, bonding, and trust, it can be difficult to sustain a healthy sex life. Addressing core emotional connection issues is key.
Anger and resentment
Built-up anger, hurt, and resentment over the years can lead to a tit-for-tat standoff where one or both partners withdraw emotionally and physically. Couples counseling to heal rifts and rebuild trust is often needed.
Stress and fatigue
Between work, kids, and life demands, many couples struggle to prioritize intimacy. Making time to connect gets put on the backburner. But this can start a dangerous cycle of sex fading away.
Medical problems
Medical issues like erectile dysfunction, low libido, and pain during sex can contribute to sex slowing down or stopping. Consulting doctors to address underlying physical root causes is important.
Affairs and infidelity
Discovering an affair is devastating and often leads to a breakdown of emotional and physical intimacy. The hurt and detachment after infidelity can be very difficult to overcome.
Pornography addiction
When one partner is addicted to porn, the spouse often feels rejected and unattractive in comparison. Professional help is usually needed for the addicted partner to end unhealthy porn usage.
Differing sex drives
Mismatched libidos where one partner wants much more or less sex is a common struggle. Compromise around sexual frequency and focus is needed to meet both people’s needs.
How does living in a sexless marriage make you feel?
A sexless marriage can invoke many negative emotions in both partners, including:
- Rejection and unattractiveness
- Anger and frustration
- Sadness and depression
- Helplessness and hopelessness
- Emptiness and loneliness
- Confusion and uncertainty
The lack of physical intimacy is often taken very personally. It’s important to communicate these feelings to your spouse in a thoughtful, caring way.
What are the risks of staying in a sexless marriage?
Staying in a marriage that is sexually unfulfilling for too long comes with risks, including:
Infidelity
The temptation to find physical fulfillment outside the marriage is high. An affair may seem appealing when you’ve felt rejected and hungry for affection for so long.
Damaged self-esteem
Years of sexual denial from your partner can shred your confidence and self-image. You may convince yourself you are unattractive and undeserving.
built-up resentment
Ongoing bitterness, hurt, and anger can build up when your intimacy needs aren’t met for the long-term. This resentment often spills over causing tremendous damage.
Emotional detachment
When sex vanishes, feeling emotionally close and connected to your partner tends to fade as well over time. A platonic roommate dynamic often sets in.
Depression and anxiety
Many report increased depression and anxiety when stuck in a sexless marriage, some even describing symptoms of post-traumatic stress from the rejection.
Divorce
Statistically, sexless couples have a higher rate of eventual separation and divorce. The lack of intimacy is difficult to sustain long-term.
How long should you stay in a sexless marriage?
There is no magic number of sexless years that signals it’s time to end the marriage. Here are some questions to help assess your situation:
- How long has it been since you had regular, satisfying sex together?
- How often do you currently have sex?
- Are you both willing to actively work on improving your sex life together?
- Have you sought medical, emotional, or marital counseling help?
- Are their ongoing betrayals, infidelity, addictions, or abuse?
- Do you still have hope your sex life could improve and stay consistent?
If it’s been sexless for many years with little hope for change, it may be healthiest to let go. But if both partners are committed to the marriage, seek help early before damage becomes too great.
When is divorce the best option?
Ending a marriage is a very personal decision. But some signs it may be time to walk away include:
- Your spouse is unwilling to work on your sex life together.
- The lack of sex has destroyed your self-esteem and health.
- You’ve become attracted to or involved with someone else.
- You fight constantly and can’t communicate without anger.
- You no longer have hope or desire the marriage will get better.
- You’re desperately unhappy and nothing seems to help.
If you’ve tried everything while getting zero effort from your spouse for years, letting go may bring relief. Just be sure to seek counseling to process this big decision.
How to cope while in a sexless marriage
If you want to stay in your sexless marriage, either to keep trying or for other reasons like kids, here are some tips:
- Communicate honestly but gently with your spouse about how the lack of sex makes you feel.
- Seek professional counseling, both individually and as a couple.
- Prioritize other forms of intimacy like touching, kissing, and emotional bonding.
- Spend quality one-on-one time enjoying hobbies and interests together.
- Pursue self-care through regular exercise, nutritious eating, socializing, and relaxing.
- Find activities that help boost your confidence and self-worth.
- Share your feelings with a close friend or support group.
- If you must, tell your spouse you need permission to find sex outside the marriage.
Focus on controlling what you can – your self-care, communication, and personal happiness. But set a timeframe so you don’t wait forever for change.
How to restart intimacy in your marriage
If both partners want to rekindle your sex life, these steps can help:
Get honest about the issues
Have an open, judgment-free talk about what’s causing your rift and intimacy issues. Listen, validate each other’s feelings, and express your needs.
Make time for sex and bonding
Schedule sex dates, romantic nights out, and opportunities to be intimate. Prioritize it amidst the demands of life.
Work on emotional intimacy
Build trust, communication, affection, and shared activities. Emotional closeness leads to physical closeness.
Get professional help
See a therapist, doctor, or sex therapist. An expert’s guidance on underlying issues can be invaluable.
Be patient and stay positive
Reversing a sexless marriage takes time. But with mutual effort, intimacy can grow again. Don’t give up.
When to seek marriage counseling
If you want to save and improve your sexless marriage, seeking professional counseling is highly recommended. Some signs it’s needed:
- Communication has broken down
- Resentment and arguments are ongoing
- One partner has cheated or come close
- Depression or health issues have surfaced
- There are serious trust or respect deficits
- Your sex life shows no signs of improvement
- You don’t know where else to turn for help
A skilled couples counselor can help you have difficult conversations, understand each other’s perspectives, heal emotional wounds, and revive intimacy skills.
Tips for finding a marriage counselor
Here are some tips for choosing the right marriage counselor:
- Look for someone who specializes in marriage/couples counseling.
- Make sure they use proven approaches like Gottman Method or EFT.
- Ask about their experience helping sexless couples.
- Meet with them briefly to confirm you feel comfortable.
- Select someone who will challenge you while remaining respectful.
- Find a counselor covered by your insurance, if possible.
- Check client reviews on sites like Psychology Today.
Investing in the right counselor makes a significant difference in outcome. Don’t settle for less than a great fit.
When to involve a sex therapist
If emotional issues aren’t the main barrier, a sex therapist may also be helpful. Some signs you need one:
- There are major sexual dysfunctions like ED, vaginismus, or pain.
- Your differing libidos feel impossible to reconcile.
- Intimacy struggles worsen after a major illness or surgery.
- You need education on techniques to relight your sex life.
- Talk therapy has hit a wall and you need sex-specific guidance.
- You suspect your medication is dampening your sex drive.
A combination of couples counseling plus sex therapy is ideal for reviving emotional and sexual intimacy.
What if only one partner wants to work on it?
Ideally, both partners are motivated to improve the marriage. But if one spouse refuses to acknowledge problems or make effort, you have some hard decisions to make:
- Consider a trial separation to highlight the seriousness.
- Establish firm boundaries of what you need to continue the marriage.
- Get counseling yourself to carefully consider your options.
- Talk to a lawyer to understand how divorce would work.
- Present specific changes you require in writing.
- Suggest a postnuptial agreement outlining the changes.
- Make arrangements to leave if your expectations aren’t met.
You alone can’t resurrect intimacy. At some point, you may need to walk away, especially if you’ve been clear about your needs and limits.
How to know if you should stay or go
Deciding whether to stay or leave a sexless marriage is complicated. Take time to carefully reflect. Some questions to ask yourself:
- Are we both still invested in this relationship?
- Do I see hints of positive change on the horizon?
- Have we tried counseling or other interventions?
- Will remaining impact my self-esteem and mental health?
- Can I find fulfillment through other areas of our partnership?
- Do we have children or lifestyle factors making divorce very difficult?
- Am I staying just because of comfort or fear of the unknown?
Get very clear on your must-haves, deal breakers, and vision for a healthy marriage. If you’ve tried everything with no progress, freeing yourself to find a more fulfilling relationship may be the healthiest choice.
How to leave your spouse gracefully
If you decide to leave, aim to do so with care and class:
- Seek individual counseling to ensure this is the right choice.
- Consult lawyers and financial advisors to understand your options.
- Tell your spouse calmly and empathetically once your plan is in place.
- Be honest yet sensitive when explaining your reasons for leaving.
- Offer to try a trial separation first before immediately filing.
- Create a fair separation agreement with guidance from your lawyer.
- Move forward with dignity, integrity, and respect, if possible.
The healthiest separations allow both partners to move forward with self-esteem intact. Avoid spite or bitterness, for your own sake.
How to cope with divorce after a sexless marriage
The end of a sexless marriage can trigger grief, guilt, and fear. Give yourself plenty of time and self-care to adjust. Some tips:
- Let yourself fully feel and process the loss.
- Join a divorce support group to feel less alone.
- Confide in close friends and family who build you up.
- Don’t neglect exercise, nutrition, and sleep.
- Explore new interests and activities outside your comfort zone.
- Consider dating, but don’t rush into a rebound relationship.
- Embrace this transition as a fresh start and opportunity.
The pain of divorce will fade. In time, you’ll regain hope that a fulfilling relationship, including a robust sex life, is possible.
Conclusion
In summary, a sexless marriage can slowly poison a relationship. If both spouses are committed to change, seek help early and persistently. But if one partner remains unwilling to address the problems, separating may ultimately be healthiest for your self-esteem and wellbeing. While challenging, many find greater contentment on the other side of a sexless marriage. You deserve to feel loved, wanted and fulfilled.