It’s a question many siblings have wondered at some point: Which child do mom and dad love the most? As parents, we may try to avoid playing favorites, but let’s be honest – it’s only natural for parents to feel closer to one child over another at times. But does that actually mean they love them more? Here we’ll explore the complexities behind parental favoritism and what it really means.
Do parents have a favorite child?
Many parents feel guilty admitting they have a favorite at all. But various research shows it’s actually quite common:
- A survey by Child magazine in 2010 found that 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers admitted to having a favorite child.
- A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2009 found that over 70% of mothers and fathers exhibited preferential treatment to one child.
- Another study in 2008 found that even children perceive differences in how parents treat each one. Over 65% said they believed their parents had a favorite sibling.
So while parents may try to hide it, the majority do seem to feel closer to one child over the rest. But there are some important caveats.
Favoritism is complex and dynamic
The preference is rarely as clear-cut as loving one child and rejecting the other. Here are some nuances that come into play:
- Parents can favor different children for different reasons – one for athletic ability, one for personality, one for shared interests, etc.
- The favorite child can change over time as kids grow older and their interests and abilities evolve.
- Parents can feel guilt over their preference and overcompensate by being harder on the favored child.
- The favorite isn’t always the one parents spend the most time with – sometimes they lavish attention on the one who needs it most.
So favoritism is multilayered and shifting. Parents may feel closer to one child, but that doesn’t mean they love the others any less.
Why do parents have favorites?
If parental love isn’t finite, why does favoritism happen at all? There are a few key factors that can sway attachment:
Child’s personality and temperament
Some children are easier to get along with by nature. A child who is affectionate, laidback and open to routines may naturally elicit more positive attention. One who is defiant, irritable and disruptive may require more disciplinary attention – which can strain the bond.
Shared interests and values
A child who shares the parent’s passions, from sports to arts to academics, tends to forge a tighter bond. More time together strengthens attachment. Differences can push parents and kids apart.
Birth order
Firstborns tend to receive undivided parental attention at first. For the youngest, parents are often more hands-off. Middle children can feel lost in the shuffle. Birth order can shape roles and treatment.
Need
A child with greater needs, whether due to health issues, learning disabilities, or behavioral challenges, often requires more of a parent’s time and concern. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Spousal relationship
Marital dynamics and spousal preferences also come into play. One parent may favor a child that resembles or connects more to them. Some use children as emotional confidantes when spousal relations strain.
Family structure
In blended families formed by divorce and remarriage, parents often struggle not to favor biological kids. Adopted and foster kids work harder to earn attachment and approval.
How favoritism impacts kids
Whether real or perceived, unequal parental treatment can have profound effects. Studies link favoritism to:
- Low self-esteem
- Feelings of unworthiness and insecurity
- Resentment and anger issues
- Depression and anxiety
- Acting out and conduct problems
- Sibling rivalry and poor sibling bonds
- Emotional problems later in life
The risks rise when favoritism is overt and children feel rejected. But even subtle preferential treatment can undermine a child’s confidence. Sensing they have to “earn” your love through accomplishments or gain attention by misbehaving can be detrimental.
Effects on the favorite child
Being the chosen one may seem enviable, but it’s not free of pitfalls. Potential issues include:
- Feeling pressured to live up to expectations
- Developing guilt over special treatment
- Struggling with relationships due to entitlement
- Loss of favored status can be devastating
Parental favoritism shapes the way kids see themselves and engage with the world. Unequal treatment, whether subtle or overt, can have lasting scars.
Signs a parent plays favorites
How can you spot preferential treatment? Here are some red flags:
- One child consistently gets more gifts and treats.
- A parent spends noticeably more quality time with one child.
- Praise and affection is doled out unequally.
- One child’s achievements are celebrated more.
- Misbehavior by one child is punished more harshly.
- A parent sidelines one child during conversations.
- One child is held to higher expectations than siblings.
Of course, differences don’t always mean favoritism. But consistently unequal treatment undermines children, whether they’re favored or not.
What effect does favoritism have on siblings?
Favoritism breeds sibling rivalry. Those who feel slighted experience resentment, jealousy and low self-worth. The favored one may feel guilt and pressure. Every child wants to feel equally loved. Sibling bonds suffer when treatment is unequal. Research shows:
- Perceived favoritism leads to more sibling conflict.
- Children are more likely to have poor sibling relationships as adults after unequal parental treatment.
- Siblings use favoritism to perpetuate conflict. Phrases like “Mom always liked you best” keep rivalries burning.
- Unequal treatment leads to competition for affection instead of supportive sibling bonds.
In families where parents avoid favoritism, siblings tend to be closer and more supportive. Equal treatment fosters security and strong relationships between siblings.
Do parents love the youngest child most?
Some patterns shine through. Studies show parents often favor:
- Youngest – They may seem more innocent, get babied more, and evoke protective instincts.
- Oldest – Higher expectations can lead to greater attention and pressure to achieve.
- Same gender – Fathers often favor daughters, mothers connect more to sons due to similar interests.
But overall, no consistent favorites emerge. Temperament, interests, needs, and family structure all sway parental preferences. The baby of the family isn’t necessarily number one.
Do mothers or fathers favor one child?
Mothers and fathers both tend toward favoritism at similar rates. But patterns differ:
- Mothers favor children who are more cooperative. Fathers prefer Achievers.
- Moms tend to connect more with daughters, dads with sons.
- Mothers favor youngest children, fathers prefer eldest.
- Sons are more likely to be Dad’s favorite, daughters Mom’s.
- Fathers show favoritism through differential discipline, mothers in affection.
Parents favor children for varying reasons based on gender roles and norms. But both mothers and fathers deny loving any child less.
Do parents love adopted children as much as biological?
A common concern with adoption is whether adoptive parental love equals the biological bond. Studies show:
- Adoptive parents are as emotionally invested and attached to adopted children as biological kids.
- The act of choosing a child strengthens the parental bond.
- Rates of favoritism between adopted and biological children in the same family are low.
- Adopted children fare better when parents reinforce they were actively chosen out of love.
While raising adopted kids has unique challenges, parental love runs as deep. Biological ties don’t guarantee stronger bonds.
Do narcissistic parents favor one child?
Narcissistic parents often do play favorites as an extension of their own egos. Patterns include:
- Favoring the golden child who is a high achiever, charismatic, and reflects well on the parent.
- Scapegoating a child who doesn’t match their ideal and framing them as the “problem child.”
- Shifting favored status between children to keep them vying for attention.
- Exaggerating small differences between siblings.
This toxic favoritism is often more extreme with narcissistic parents. Unequal treatment feeds their own narcissistic needs at the child’s expense.
What to do if you suspect favoritism as a child
Perceived unequal treatment can damage siblings. If you suspect favoritism in your family, consider:
- Talk to your parent gently – they may not be aware of the impact.
- Focus on your own worth – your value isn’t measured by parental treatment.
- Build positive bonds with your siblings – don’t let favoritism divide you.
- Turn to other stable adults – aunts, uncles, teachers, or coaches.
- If severe, seek counseling – therapist can help work through emotional damage.
You have intrinsic worth as a person, regardless of parental actions. But open communication and understanding can help heal strained bonds.
What parents can do to avoid favoritism
Well-meaning parents may deny favoritism while inadvertently engaging in it. Here are tips to treat kids equally:
- Recognize your unconscious biases – we all have them.
- Reframe comparisons between siblings – celebrate their individuality.
- Make sure affection and discipline is balanced.
- Alternate one-on-one time with each child.
- Reassure children they are equally loved – say it and show it.
- If you slip up, sincerely apologize and reset.
It takes mindful effort to avoid favoritism traps. But equal bonds will help both parent and child thrive.
Conclusion
While preferential treatment is common, favoritism doesn’t equate to greater love. Temperament, interests, age, gender and other factors subtly sway parental preferences. But overt favoritism damages sibling bonds and self-worth. With mindful parenting, parents can avoid traps and treat kids equally based on their needs. Limiting comparisons, sharing attention and affection, and resetting when mistakes happen will help ensure each child feels loved.