Cutting the wedding cake is an important tradition at most wedding receptions. It provides a ceremonial moment for the newly married couple to share with their guests. Determining who holds the knife to make the first cut into the cake brings up questions about gender roles, equality, and honoring tradition.
Why Do Couples Cut the Wedding Cake?
The tradition of a wedding cake cutting ceremony dates back hundreds of years. Originally, a cake was broken over the bride’s head to symbolize fertility and good fortune. Thankfully, that practice has evolved into a more elegant ritual! Here are some of the reasons couples participate in a cake cutting today:
- It makes for great photos and video footage to look back on.
- It allows the couple to share a sweet memorable moment.
- Feeding cake to each other shows care and affection.
- It is a good time for guests to gather around the couple.
- Cutting the cake signals the reception events are underway.
The cake cutting ceremony has become one of the most iconic wedding traditions. Engagement photos sometimes even feature couples pretending to cut a cake together. It’s a tradition nearly all couples include at their reception.
Does Tradition Dictate Who Holds the Knife?
Historically, tradition dictates that the bride places her hand over the groom’s as they cut the first slice of cake together. There are a few traditional reasons behind this:
- The cake and reception itself was hosted and paid for by the bride’s family, so she got the privilege of cutting it.
- A wedding was considered one of the only times a woman held a dominant role over her husband.
- It reflects the gender norms of men working outside the home and women handling domestic duties.
However, as with most wedding traditions, this has evolved over time. While some couples choose to have the bride’s hand on top, others are opting to show equal partnership by having the groom’s hand over the bride’s. Some modern couples are even choosing to forgo tradition entirely by having the bride hold the knife alone or feeding cake to each other.
What Do Modern Etiquette Rules Say?
Standard modern etiquette rules give the following advice:
- The bride’s hand should go over the groom’s hand when cutting the cake.
- Alternatively, the couple may choose to place their hands side-by-side on the knife handle.
- If the couple agrees, the groom’s hand may also be placed over the bride’s.
- Same-sex couples should mimic the hand placement of their choice.
So etiquette still defaults to the bride’s hand being on top but allows for the couple to choose whichever option best reflects their relationship. The key is that the couple discusses beforehand how they want to handle it.
Who Actually Gets to Make the Decision?
While tradition and etiquette provide guidance, ultimately it is up to the bride and groom themselves. There are no wedding cake police who will intervene if the couple strays from tradition! Here are some factors a couple may consider when deciding:
- Personal preference – what feels comfortable and natural?
- Level of feminism or traditionalism – does the bride prefer taking the lead?
- Height difference – determine hand placement logistics.
- Relationships with in-laws – make them feel included and honored.
- Religious or cultural traditions they want to observe.
- Photos – which option provides the best shot?
The decision may be made months in advance or more spontaneously in the moment. As long as the couple agrees, there really is no right or wrong way to cut the cake!
Are There Other Options Besides Hand-Over-Hand?
Brides and grooms looking to forgo the hand-over-hand tradition altogether do have some options:
- The bride can hold the knife and make the first cut herself.
- The groom can hold the knife and make the first cut himself.
- One person’s hand holds the handle while the other rests fingers lightly on top.
- Each person uses a separate knife to cut the cake.
- Rather than cut the cake, simply pull apart a pre-cut slice.
- Skip the knife and break off a piece of cake with your hands.
These options allow the couple to be more creative. Some may appeal to brides who want to take a more feminist stance. Others may suit grooms who would feel awkward being led by the bride in front of guests. Tapping into a different tradition, like breaking off a piece by hand, can add cultural flair.
Who Feeds the Cake?
After cutting the first slice of wedding cake, the couple traditionally feeds a bite to each other. Typically the bride offers the groom the first bite. However, this can be done any way that suits the couple. Take turns, dab frosting on noses, or forgo being fed entirely. If the couple is not comfortable with or interested in the cake feeding moment, it can be skipped. Do what feels celebratory and fun for the relationship.
Expert Tips for the Cake Cutting
For couples weighing how to best approach their wedding cake cutting, here are some expert tips:
- Discuss preferences early to decide hand positioning. Get aligned to prevent awkwardness day-of.
- Consider having a cake cutting rehearsal so the movement feels natural.
- Have a photo taken of just the cake first, before cutting.
- Use a sharp knife and only apply light pressure so the cake is easy to cut.
- Be prepared with plates, napkins, and forks nearby for serving.
- Wipe frosting from the knife before digging back in for the next slice.
- Offer the maid of honor and best man the next slices to honor their role.
Proper form is less important than enjoying the moment together. Go into the cake cutting relaxed, excited, and appreciative of guests wanting to witness the sweet newlywed ritual.
Still Unsure Who Should Hold the Knife?
For couples still wavering over who gets to place their hand on the knife first, here are a few more questions to ask yourselves:
- Are we trying to please family members with certain traditions?
- Will photos look best with hands one way or the other?
- Does one of us have a strong preference?
- Are we feminists or more traditional?
- Do we see cutting the cake as more her role or his role?
- Does height difference make one way easier?
- Are cultural backgrounds dictating a certain way?
Think through these questions together. The choice is solely up to the bride and groom. Don’t let others pressure a decision. This is just one small tradition within a much bigger wedding day. Choose what resonates most as a couple.
Advice for Same-Sex Couples
For same-sex couples, the tradition of who places their hand over the other’s does not directly translate. Lesbian couples must decide which partner takes the bride’s role and which takes the groom’s. With gay couples, there is no clear “bride” hand to default to resting on top.
In these cases, equality reigns. Most same-sex couples opt to place their hands side-by-side on the knife. This highlights the equal partnership and non-gendered roles within the relationship. However, some same-sex couples enjoy assigning one partner to the “bride” role and one as the “groom.” This lets them mimic and participate in a classic wedding tradition.
Same-sex couples should discuss their preferences just as any other couple would. Do what best fits the relationship dynamic and originality of the wedding. Traditions can be molded and adapted however you see fit.
Conclusion
Who holds the knife to cut the wedding cake can be a big decision for couples who want that perfect symbolic first slice. While etiquette provides guidance, the choice comes down to the preferences of the bride and groom themselves. Factors like tradition, feminism, height, and photos help determine what will feel right.
Most importantly, the cake cutting should reflect the spirit of the couple’s relationship. Allowing the bride’s hand on top reflects old gender roles. Placing hands side-by-side promotes equality. And the groom’s hand on top empowers more traditional or religious couples.
Think through the options, talk it over, and go with what best suits the couple. After all, cake is meant to be enjoyed. So set yourselves up for the sweetest possible cake cutting moment!