It’s common to feel insecure in a relationship from time to time. However, when insecurity comes on suddenly or intensifies for no apparent reason, it could suggest some underlying issues that need to be addressed. Here are some potential reasons why you may be feeling increased relationship anxiety and insecurity:
You’ve been together for a while
As the initial “honeymoon phase” wears off and a relationship transitions into something longer-term, it’s normal for the crazy infatuation feelings to fade. With this shift may come some insecurity about the relationship. You may start to wonder if your partner will remain attracted to you, commit long-term, or crave excitement with someone else. It’s normal to feel some self-doubt, but don’t let it overtake the relationship.
Your partner’s behavior changed
Sudden disinterest in sex, more time spent away, emotional distance, secrecy, criticism, and other changes in your partner’s behavior can understandably trigger relationship insecurity. Don’t immediately assume the worst, but do have an open and honest conversation with your partner to check if everything is ok. There may be a reasonable explanation for the changes, or they may reveal a need to work on the relationship.
You’ve stopped making quality time together a priority
When life gets busy, quality couple time often falls by the wayside. Lack of meaningful connection can make you start to feel insecure about where you stand. Make time for regular date nights, activities you enjoy together, and intimate conversations. This quality bonding time will help reassure you both.
You’re dependent on your partner for self-esteem
If your self-worth is tightly tied to your relationship, any perceived problems or partner withdrawals will hit your self-esteem hard. Work on your sense of identity outside the relationship. Find confidence through interests, friends, family, work, hobbies, beliefs, etc. This will make you feel more secure within yourself.
You’ve had bad relationship experiences before
Past betrayals, heartbreaks, trauma, or abuse can understandably make you wary in a new relationship. Be open with your partner about your history and triggers. Seek professional help to overcome the past and build trust. Healing will help minimize unnecessary insecurities.
You have an anxious attachment style
Some people naturally have an anxious or insecure style of attachment from childhood experiences. This makes them more prone to fears of abandonment. If you have underlying attachment issues, therapy can teach you skills to feel safer in relationships.
You have low self-esteem
Struggles with self-esteem also underlie chronic relationship insecurity. Work on self-care, challenge negative thoughts, identify strengths, and find purpose. As you build confidence, you won’t be as dependent on your partner for reassurance.
The relationship has problems
Sometimes insecurity arises because there are genuine issues threatening the relationship like lack of chemistry, fundamental incompatibilities, infidelity, abuse, or frequent conflict. It’s worth identifying if your gut instincts are warning you about real problems.
You have different expectations
Differing expectations around commitment timelines, priorities, life goals, intimacy needs, etc. can brew insecurity about whether you’re right for each other. Communicate openly and find reasonable compromises.
External circumstances changed
Major life changes like moving, new jobs, deployments, illness, family issues, or financial stress can strain a relationship. Be patient, make adjustments, and pull together as a team.
Conclusion
Occasional anxious feelings are normal in love. But if you don’t get to the root of sudden or severe insecurity, it can erode an otherwise healthy relationship. Have honest talks, make time together a priority, work on personal confidence, heal past hurts, and address any underlying issues. With mutual care and effort, you can find security together again.
| Reason | What To Do |
|---|---|
| Honeymoon phase ending | Accept it’s normal for crazy infatuation to fade. Focus on quality time together. |
| Partner behavior changes | Communicate openly. Look for reasonable explanations. |
| No more quality time | Make regular date nights and activities together a priority. |
| Dependent on partner for self-esteem | Build confidence through interests, friends, purpose outside the relationship. |
| Anxious attachment style | Seek therapy to feel safer in relationships. |
| Low self-esteem | Work on self-care, challenge negative thoughts, identify strengths. |
| Relationship problems | Address issues directly impacting the partnership. |
| Different expectations | Communicate openly and compromise. |
| External circumstances changed | Be patient, adjust, and pull together as a team. |
How do I know if my relationship insecurity is normal?
It’s normal to have some anxiety and doubts, especially during relationship transitions. Things like briefly missing the excitement of dating, feeling a little unsure about commitment after a few months, or having occasional jealousy are no cause for concern. But if your insecurity is:
- Very frequent, constant, or obsessive
- Affecting your functioning and wellbeing
- Causing you to be controlling or make unfair accusations
- Making you unable to trust your partner at all
- Centered on very unlikely worst-case scenarios like cheating
Then your relationship anxiety may be excessive and unhealthy. Prioritize communicating with your partner and seeking professional help.
When is insecurity a relationship red flag?
Insecurity becomes a major red flag if:
- It stems from emotional abuse or other mistreatment from your partner
- Your partner encourages and takes advantage of your insecurity and jealousy
- It leads to severe anxiety, depression, or emotional breakdowns
- You have suicidal thoughts related to the relationship
These situations mean the relationship is causing you significant harm. Consider seeking help from both a therapist and domestic violence resources if applicable.
How should I talk to my partner about my insecurity?
When sharing feelings of relationship insecurity with your partner:
- Choose a calm, neutral time to talk, not mid-argument
- Use “I” statements rather than blaming statements
- Give specific examples of words or behaviors that triggered the insecurity
- Explain how the insecurity makes you think and feel
- Assure them you don’t necessarily think worst-case scenarios are true
- Ask for reasonable reassurance and commitment moving forward
- Suggest constructive things you both can do to rebuild trust and intimacy
- Thank them for listening and being understanding
This non-accusatory approach prevents defensiveness and promotes empathy, openness, and collaboration.
What should I avoid saying?
- “You’re making me feel insecure”
- “You must not love me if…”
- Ultimatums about leaving the relationship
- Any unsafe controlling behaviors
- Unfair accusations not rooted in reality
These kinds of statements will only push your partner away or lead to fights rather than mutual understanding.
What are healthy ways for me to cope with insecurity?
Try these strategies for constructively coping when you feel relationship self-doubt and anxiety flaring up:
- Communicate – Speak openly when your mind goes to worst-case scenarios.
- Get perspective – Talk to understanding friends and family to reality-check your fears.
- Self-soothe – Calm yourself through deep breathing, meditation, exercise, warm baths.
- Distract – Engage in hobbies and activities you enjoy to shift your mindset.
- Journal – Write out your feelings to process them and gain insight.
- Empower yourself – Build confidence through pursuing goals, learning, and socializing.
- Seek help – Turn to counseling or support groups if insecurity feels unmanageable.
What unhealthy coping mechanisms should I avoid?
- Obsessive questioning, spying on, or attempting to control your partner
- Numbing your feelings with substance abuse
- Cutting off family or friends
- Lashing out in anger at your partner
- Obsessively venting to your partner rather than communicating
- Making unreasonable demands of your partner to “prove” their commitment
- Self-isolation and allowing insecurity to consume you
These tactics will damage trust in the relationship further and prevent you from truly resolving the root issue.
How can I build my self-esteem and be less dependent on my relationship?
Boosting your self-esteem and sense of independence from your partner will go a long way in easing relationship insecurity. Strategies include:
- Spending quality time with supportive family and friends
- Pursuing your passions, interests, hobbies, and dreams
- Making time for self-care through healthy lifestyle habits
- Setting and achieving professional goals that give you purpose
- Exploring spiritual or creative outlets that enrich you
- Learning new skills to build competence and confidence
- Volunteering and contributing meaningfully to causes
- Seeking counseling to work through confidence issues
Finding fulfillment both within the relationship and external to it provides a great buffer when relationship doubts arise.
How can I be more secure in myself?
- Identify your core values and live by them
- List your strengths and read them whenever you feel doubtful
- Silence your inner critic and treat yourself kindly
- Don’t let your entire identity and worth depend on the relationship
- Believe you are worthy and lovable as you are
- Stop comparing yourself to others or perceived ideals
- Accept imperfections and failures as part of being human
Working on your inner self-belief and self-acceptance directly tackles insecurity at its roots.
What are signs my partner feels insecure?
Watch for these signs your partner may be feeling self-doubt:
- Frequently seeking reassurance about your love
- Apologizing excessively or expressing inadequacy
- Seeming worried you will leave them for someone else
- Clingy behavior or emotional neediness
- Constantly suspecting you of cheating
- Fretting that you are losing interest or pulling away
- Feeling threatened by your friends, family, or interests
- Needing to know where you are and who you are with at all times
If you notice a pattern of multiple signs of insecurity, gently ask your partner if there is anything bothering them or anything you can do to help them feel more loved and secure.
How can I support an insecure partner while keeping boundaries?
- Offer reasonable reassurance and affection when needed
- Make quality time together a consistent priority
- Speak words of love, praise, and appreciation
- Don’t minimize or make light of their feelings
- Encourage interests and friendships external to the relationship
- Gently challenge irrational fears if they arise
- Suggest counseling if insecurity becomes unhealthy
- Maintain trusted friends and activities important to you
- Don’t enable controlling or toxic behaviors
Being caring while also maintaining healthy boundaries will help build security for you both.
When should I seek professional help for relationship insecurity?
Consider involving a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional if:
- Insecurities are significantly impacting your functioning and mood
- Your anxiety feels constant, severe, and out of proportion
- You have panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts, or emotional breakdowns
- You have trauma that makes it very difficult to trust
- Worries seem completely unrealistic yet you can’t let go of them
- Your behaviors are becoming controlling or abusive
- Mistreatment from your partner is worsening insecurity
Counseling provides invaluable support in learning to overcome insecurity, build self-esteem, improve unhealthy dynamics, and determine if the relationship can be repaired or should end.
How can therapy help insecure relationships?
A therapist can help in insecure relationships by:
- Teaching communication and conflict resolution skills
- Promoting intimacy through vulnerable sharing
- Identifying and changing negative relationship patterns
- Processing emotional baggage bringing insecurity
- Building self-esteem and secure attachment
- Deciding if the relationship is worth saving
- Providing support during a potential breakup
With professional guidance, many insecure relationships can be turned around toward healthy security.
Conclusion
Insecurity may ebb and flow, but chronic relationship doubt signifies important issues to address. With care, communication, proper boundaries, courageous honesty, professional support if needed, and effort from both partners, you can get to the bottom of insecurity and create the trusting, stable relationship you deserve. Don’t let self-doubt undermine an otherwise healthy relationship.