There are several theories as to why firstborn children tend to be more bossy and controlling than their younger siblings. Some key reasons include:
- Only child status – For a period of time, firstborns are only children and have their parents’ undivided attention. This can lead to feelings of entitlement.
- High expectations – Parents often have high expectations for their firstborn child, putting pressure on them to succeed and excel.
- Role of teacher – Firstborns often take on a teaching role with younger siblings, leading them to be more controlling.
- Birth order – The birth order itself leads firstborns to be assertive as they try to maintain their position in the family.
Research has shown firstborn children are more likely to have qualities like leadership, confidence, and ambition. However, these qualities also lend themselves to bossiness and a desire for control. Understanding the factors that shape firstborns can help explain their behavior.
Only Child Status
For the first few years of their lives, firstborn children are only children. During this time, they have their parents’ complete love, attention, and resources all to themselves.
As only children, firstborns grow accustomed to getting what they want when they want it. With no siblings to compete with, they are the center of their parents’ world. This often leads to firstborns developing somewhat entitled mindsets.
When a new baby then arrives, firstborns go from monopolizing their parents’ affection and time to having to share it. Parents are no longer able to devote all their energy to their firstborn child. This shift can be challenging for firstborns and may elicit bossy behavior as they try to regain the attention they were used to getting.
Overall, the experience of being an only child in their early years contributes to firstborns’ expectation that things will go their way. This makes the transition to having siblings difficult and facilitates a bossy tendency as firstborns try to adjust.
Accustomed to Attention
For the first few years of life, firstborn children are showered with attention and affection from parents eager to dote on their first baby. Parents are especially attentive during all those important early milestones like first words, first steps, first solid foods, etc.
With no other children in the picture yet, all the focus is on the firstborn. Naturally, this attention makes the firstborn feel special, valued, and central to the family dynamic.
Top Priority
Parents typically spend more time caring for and bonding with firstborns than subsequent children. After all, everything is new and exciting with a first baby. Parents are still figuring things out and lavish focused time and care on that firstborn child.
Firstborns also benefit from having their parents’ undivided financial resources. Families tend to be most financially comfortable before the arrival of additional children. This means firstborns may enjoy advantages like more baby gear, pricier childcare, and access to activities and experiences.
Harder Transition
Given the only child status firstborns grow accustomed to, the arrival of a new baby represents a major transition. Suddenly, they must share their parents’ attention, time, affection, and resources. Parents split themselves between children.
This transition represents a loss for the firstborn child. It disrupts the special status they enjoyed as the sole focus of their parents’ world. Having to share love and resources can be very difficult, making firstborns want to cling to control.
High Expectations
Many parents have extremely high expectations and standards for their firstborn children. As they venture into parenthood for the first time, parents often pressure firstborns to excel and succeed from a very early age.
This pattern begins right from birth, as family and friends express great hopes about what the firstborn will become. Labels like “gifted” and “advanced” are often applied to firstborns before they even reach milestones.
The weight of high expectations continues well past infancy. Parents want their firstborns to be high achievers and often pressure them in academics, sports, and activities. Firstborns internalize the need to perform well and may become perfectionists.
While possessing high standards isn’t problematic in itself, firstborns may struggle under excessive parental pressure. Always being expected to be the top student, star athlete, and exemplary child is a heavy burden.
Many firstborns react by trying to impose the same rigorous standards on their younger siblings. Their controlling behavior is a response to the pressures put on them to always be the best. Setting high expectations for others gives firstborns a sense of control.
Perfectionism
From an early age, many firstborns recognize they are expected to reach near-impossible levels of perfection. This breeds in them perfectionist tendencies that also facilitate bossy behavior.
Firstborns hold themselves to extremely high standards and bring the same rigidity to their expectations of others. They may micromanage tasks and relationships in an effort to achieve perfection. This can absolutely come across as bossy to more laidback siblings.
Perfectionism makes firstborns want to take charge so that things are done “right.” Their need for control over their environment can override others’ preferences. Firstborns believe pushing others is justified if it produces better outcomes.
Overachiever Identity
When parents constantly celebrate firstborns’ stellar report cards, victories, and accomplishments, it breeds a sense of identity as an overachiever. Firstborns come to pride themselves on acing tests, winning competitions, and impressing adults.
This self-concept as an exemplary student, devoted athlete, or talented musician informs how firstborns interact with siblings. They expect younger siblings to display the same commitment to success and are quick to criticize what they see as laziness or lack of effort.
Firstborns boss around younger siblings because they internalize achievement-oriented attitudes from an early age. Their self-worth becomes tied to being the overachiever.
Pleasing Parents
Eagerness to please parents can also make firstborns bossy. They know their achievements and excellence reflect well on parents. Living up to expectations earns parental pride and praise.
Firstborns work hard to deliver success because they understand their accomplishments are important to parents. They internalize the message that they need to bolster their parents’ reputations.
This again spills over into interactions with younger siblings. Firstborns may closely monitor siblings’ grades, extracurriculars, and behaviors. They pressure siblings to make good choices to avoid disappointing parents. Pleasing parents remains front of mind.
Role of Teacher
As the oldest sibling, firstborns often naturally fall into a teaching role with younger children. Parents rely on firstborns to model good behavior and teach important skills. This facilitates bossiness.
Even from a young age, firstborns spend a lot of time showing younger children the ropes. Parents consciously and unconsciously assign firstborns the job of educating subsequent kids.
Factors like cognitive maturity, reading ability, and greater life experience allow firstborns to take on an instructional role. But this positions firstborns as an authority figure over siblings, which encourages controlling tendencies.
Explaining the World
Firstborns often take it upon themselves to teach subsequent siblings how the world works. With the advantage of more developed language and cognition, firstborns answer younger children’s endless questions.
Explaining concepts, complex words, abstract ideas, and how things function builds firstborns’ confidence in their own knowledge. They start to see themselves as a source of information for siblings and take pride in this status.
But the role of patiently educating younger siblings also leads firstborns to be controlling. They want to share their knowledge and impress siblings by providing explanations. This know-it-all attitude is often perceived as bossiness.
Being the Example
Parents tell firstborns to set good examples for younger siblings by demonstrating desirable behaviors like following rules, using manners, and controlling emotions. Firstborns take this responsibility seriously.
Trying hard to be a role model for siblings fuels firstborns’ bossy tendencies. They closely monitor siblings’ behavior for infractions and unmet expectations. Firstborns believe they must correct siblings to show them the right way to act.
Of course, younger siblings don’t always appreciate their older sibling policing their behavior and bossing them around. But firstborns feel duty-bound to provide instruction.
Teaching Milestones
Firstborns play a big part in teaching younger siblings fundamental childhood skills and milestones. For example, they may potty train a younger sibling or teach them to ride a bike.
Helping siblings attain key milestones first fosters bossiness in several ways. Firstborns feel inflated self-importance at mastering a skill before siblings. They also tend to micromanage the learning process and get frustrated with lack of progress.
The role of skills instructor makes firstborns impatient and controlling. They take full responsibility for sibling learning with an attitude that they know best.
Birth Order
A child’s position in the family birth order seems to play a significant role in personality outcomes.
Firstborn children feel a strong need to exert control and authority within the sibling hierarchy to maintain their privileged birth rank. Younger siblings lack this same need to preserve status. The order of their birth alone facilitates bossiness in firstborns.
Maintaining First Place
Within the family structure, firstborns start out at the top position. Younger siblings then come along and threaten to displace firstborns from that coveted spot.
To defend their rank, firstborns often become bossy and controlling. They try to preserve their seniority by asserting authority over younger children. Dictating games, doling out orders, and claiming privileges are all ways firstborns sustain domination.
Bossiness lets firstborns hang onto their prime birth position rather than being ousted by restless younger siblings. They are driven to stay number one in the family.
Rule Enforcement
Firstborns are often quick to insist that rules be followed precisely. They are sticklers for enforcing guidelines, schedules, and procedures set out by parents.
By bossing younger siblings into compliance with rules, firstborns maintain the status quo of the hierarchy. If everyone is held to the same standards of behavior, then firstborns remain on top based on the order of their birth.
Rule enforcement hence serves as a self-protection strategy against subordinate siblings gaining ground and challenging the leadership of firstborns. Holding siblings to strict rules preserves power.
Privilege Protection
Firstborns understand they benefit from certain privileges based purely on being born first. Expectations of obedience, getting to use the car, later bedtimes, and more expensive gifts are some perks.
When younger siblings threaten these entitlements, firstborns resort to bossiness to guard their preferential treatment. They act controlling and superior to make it clear they still maintain priority status within the family pecking order.
Conclusion
In summary, the combination of factors such as only child status, high parental expectations, teaching roles, and the implications of birth order all contribute to firstborns exhibiting bossy and controlling behaviors, especially toward their younger siblings.
Firstborns spend their early years as the sole focus of doting parents. The shock of having to share attention when a new sibling arrives makes them want to cling to control.
Perfectionist tendencies develop in firstborns from having high standards imposed on them. They then try to manage siblings’ behavior to achieve perfect outcomes.
Assuming the role of teacher also fosters bossiness as firstborns instruct younger siblings while holding themselves up as models. And firstborns are driven to preserve their privileged birth rank in the family by bossing around subordinates.
While bossiness can be unpleasant, understanding the contextual factors behind this common firstborn trait promotes greater compassion. With self-awareness and clear communication, families can help firstborns channel their need for control constructively rather than alienating loved ones.