It’s a familiar feeling: you develop strong feelings or attraction for someone, only to find out they are unavailable or uninterested. This can be a frustrating and confusing experience – why do our minds and hearts seem to fixate on people we can’t have? There are several psychological reasons why this occurs:
The Desire for the Unattainable
Human beings are often drawn to things that are elusive, exclusive or hard to obtain. This applies to material goods, achievements and relationships. If something is readily available to us, we don’t value it as much as if it is scarce or unattainable. According to the Scarcity Principle in psychology, we assign more value to opportunities and commodities that are less available.
When we can’t have someone, it taps into this mindset – we suddenly desire them more simply because we can’t have them. Their unavailability makes them seem more appealing. This reaction is sometimes termed “Romeo and Juliet effect” – obstacles and impediments to a relationship can intensify the feelings between two people, despite little compatibility or substance to the relationship otherwise.
The Thrill of the Chase
Similarly, we enjoy the excitement of the chase. Working to pursue someone and change their mind can be thrilling for some personality types. It becomes a challenge to be conquered. Again, human beings are competitive – if something is difficult to obtain, some people will rise to the challenge.
A conquest can provide an ego boost as well. If you can win over someone who is unattainable, it validates your desirability. It makes you feel competent and confident to succeed at something difficult.
Unresolved Feelings
In some cases, if feelings were never fully expressed or resolved it allows attraction to linger. The phrase “unfinished business” sums this up – because there is no definitive sense of closure, the emotions remain.
This dynamic is often depicted in stories of long lost loves that reunite years later. The nostalgia and lingering tension gives momentum to rekindle the feelings.
Idealizing From Afar
When we don’t know someone well, we tend to fill in the gaps with positive assumptions. This can lead to putting them on a pedestal and idealizing their good qualities. We also underestimate any flaws or complications.
So someone who is unattainable becomes an idealized fantasy of what they could be. Without the reality of an actual relationship, it’s easy to focus only on their positives. This idealized version can be hard to let go.
Curiosity and Fantasy
The appeal also stems from natural curiosity – what would it be like if you were together? This thought process fuels romantic fantasies and imagination. The possibility and unknown can be tantalizing, even if logically it would never happen.
Fantasizing allows us to escape and imagine an idyllic version of events. So chasing the fantasy fuels the desire, even if it wouldn’t play out that way in reality.
Why Is It Problematic?
Pursuing the unattainable can lead us to overlook more compatible or deserving partners. It fuels an unhealthy view of relationships, setting the bar unrealistically high. Other issues include:
Waste of Energy
It’s unlikely your affections will be returned if the object of them is truly unattainable. Continuing to pine over them and dwell on the situation keeps you stuck. All this effort could be better directed to more fruitful pursuits or relationships.
Self-Esteem Blow
You may compromise your self-respect chasing after something unreciprocated. It conveys you don’t value yourself enough to seek someone equally invested and available.
Prevents Moving On
As long as you remain fixated on one person, you close yourself off to meeting others. You miss opportunities to find meaningful connections.
Creates Unhealthy Expectations
Idealizing someone sets up unrealistic benchmarks for normal relationships. Real people have flaws and relationships require work. When you indulge fantasies, it can negatively impact future dating experiences.
Breeds Obsession
In extreme cases, a desperate desire for the unattainable can tip into unhealthy obsession. Stalking behaviors, inability to take no for an answer, and other disturbing conduct can ensue. This hurts all parties involved.
How Can I Move On?
There are constructive ways to handle the situation and redirect your feelings in a healthy direction:
Cut Off Contact
It’s difficult to move on if you still interact regularly. Limit contact with the person if possible, and disengage from checking their social media or whereabouts. More distance helps break the emotional attachment.
Date Others
Refocus your romantic energy by dating other people. Immerse yourself in the single scene without comparing new partners to your unattainable fixation.
Analyze Why You’re Attracted
Look at the human being behind the fantasy. Do you actually have much in common or align on values, interests and life goals? Recognizing the fantasy helps separate it from reality.
Work on Self-Esteem
Build confidence and self-worth outside of romantic pursuits. Pursue career goals, social connections, passions. Develop your best self.
Be Gracious
Accept that this person is entitled to choose their own relationships. Don’t lash out or make demands. Learn from the experience and move forward.
When Is It Worth Pursuing?
Generally, chasing the unavailable is an exercise in futility and frustration. But there are some exceptions where it can be worth the effort:
– The obstacles are practical matters like living in different cities that could be reconciled.
– The person does reciprocate your feelings but needs time. Perhaps they are coming out of another relationship or healing.
– You have an extensive history together worth revisiting.
– The person is showing genuine mixed signals/interest in you.
Use good judgment to decipher if there’s potential or if you are misreading the situation. Be wary of wishful thinking clouding your perceptions. Analyze whether trying for this person is in your overall best interests.
Healthy Mindset Moving Forward
When dealing with unrequited attraction, strive for this mindset:
– Be grateful for whatever did transpire between you, even if it wasn’t the full relationship you wanted. Appreciate the emotions evoked.
– Everyone is on their own path. Trust their judgment about what’s right for them.
– Know your worth – you deserve reciprocity and full commitment.
– What’s for you won’t pass you by. Have faith you’ll meet the right person at the right time.
– Let go with love and optimism. The past does not dictate your future.
Conclusion
It’s normal to desire what you can’t have, especially in romance. Evolution compels us to want scarce resources and chase thrilling challenges. But don’t compromise your self-worth or neglect more viable opportunities. Assess whether your feelings are based on fantasy versus reality. In most situations, working to move on is wisest. Maturely accept their choice with grace. Refocus your energy on self-growth and meeting new people. You will find the right reciprocal love at the right time.