Losses can be extremely painful experiences. The feeling of loss is often described as a sharp, aching pain in your chest or stomach. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, hopeless, or rejected after a loss. But why do losses impact us on such a deep, physical level? Understanding the psychology behind loss can help us cope when grief strikes.
The innate desire to avoid loss
Human beings are hardwired to avoid losses and maximize gains. This tendency is known in psychology as “loss aversion.” Multiple studies have shown that the pain of losing something is psychologically about twice as powerful as the pleasure of gaining something of equal value.
Loss aversion developed as an evolutionary survival mechanism. Our ancestors who were more sensitive to potential losses from their tribe or food source paid closer attention and were less likely to endure threats. This left them better equipped to pass on their genes. As a result, modern humans inherit a general bias against losing the things we value.
Losses threaten basic needs
Loss often threatens our basic human needs for safety, belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. For example, the death of a loved one can remove your main source emotional support and companionship. The pain reflects grief over losing that basic need for belonging. Being laid off not only threatens financial safety but can also damage self-esteem if you derive meaning from your work. The intensity of loss corresponds to the importance of the need at stake.
Losses stand out from the status quo
Psychologists have found that losses loom larger than gains because they represent a change from the status quo. For example, gaining $100 is pleasant but tends to have minimal impact on your life. However, losing $100 can ruin your budget, put you in debt, trigger bank fees, and cause significant financial stress. Losses hurt more because they force an adjustment from your current normal state. Gains don’t require any change, so they often go unappreciated.
Loss of control magnifies grief
One reason people may struggle after a romantic breakup or job loss is that the loss represents a lack of control. Being dumped or fired happens abruptly, without input from you. Having choice and control reduced leads to feelings of vulnerability. The pain reflects anger over the loss of autonomy. In contrast, losses you initiate, like quitting a job, tend to be less agonizing. When you resign, you maintain control over the change, making it less distressing.
Grief signals what has value
The deep sense of mourning we feel after a major loss is directly tied to the value that person or thing brought to our lives. A breakup with someone you dated casually for a month likely won’t induce the same degree of grief as a divorce after decades of marriage. When we grieve intensely, it reflects the profound sense of happiness, security, purpose, or meaning we previously derived from what was lost.
Common cognitive distortions about loss
Several common cognitive distortions also amplify the pain of loss:
- Personalizing the loss as a reflection of your worth or lovability.
- Magnifying the negative impact the loss will have on all areas of your life.
- Viewing the loss as catastrophic and irrevocable.
- Blaming yourself for the loss.
These exaggerated, negative thoughts make the grief feel even worse. But challenging distortions with more balanced thinking can provide some relief.
How to cope with loss and grief
Psychologists recommend several strategies to help cope with loss:
- Allow yourself to fully experience the grief, crying if needed.
- Talk to empathetic friends and family about your feelings of loss.
- Don’t judge or criticize yourself for how you are grieving.
- Remind yourself the pain fades a little bit each day.
- Focus on taking care of yourself physically with good rest, nutrition, and exercise.
- Stay busy with positive distractions like work, hobbies, or time with loved ones.
- Consider joining a support group to feel less alone.
- Receive professional counseling if the loss is immobilizing.
- Look for meaning in the loss & how you can grow from the experience.
Using coping skills to move forward
With time and concerted effort, the pain of a loss typically becomes manageable. Coping skills help you adjust to the change and return to meaningful activities. Constructive thinking patterns help you cherish the good times and view the loss through a lens of gratitude. Remind yourself that no loss lasts forever. Well-adapted human beings are resilient in the face of loss. You can and will work through grief and regain your sense of hope, meaning, and joy in life.