As we grow up and transition into adulthood, it’s common to notice our friendships changing and sometimes falling away. This can be a painful experience, especially when it involves someone we were once very close with. However, losing friends is often a natural result of the changes and personal growth we undergo as individuals. There are many reasons why our friendships may not withstand the test of time.
We have less free time
One of the biggest reasons we tend to lose friends as adults is that our priorities change. When we were kids or teens, we likely had abundant free time to spend with friends. As we take on more responsibilities like college, work, relationships, and families, our free time becomes limited. Maintaining friendships takes effort and investment. If we no longer have time to get together as often or stay in touch regularly, friendships can unfortunately fall by the wayside.
We move to new places
Another huge factor is geographical changes. When we graduate high school or college, many people end up moving to new cities or states for work or other opportunities. The physical distance makes it much harder to keep up friendships if you can no longer see each other regularly. Even when you stay in the same location as you enter adulthood, your friends may move away. While long distance friendships are possible thanks to technology, they require extra effort to maintain.
We grow apart
As we grow older, our interests, values, priorities, and perspectives tend to change. It’s a natural result of gaining life experience, taking on new responsibilities, and figuring out who we are. However, if you and your friend change in significantly different directions, you may find you no longer have much in common. For example, maybe you start a career and family while your friend travels the world. Or perhaps your political and social views have diverged over time. If the changes mean you no longer connect over the same things, the friendship may fade.
We meet new people
As we enter new life stages and take on new roles, we tend to meet new people and form new social circles. For example, when you start a new job, you may become closer with your coworkers and make professional connections. If you have kids, you may end up spending more time with other parents you meet through your children. While these new connections enrich our lives, they can also sometimes displace old friendships that get pushed aside.
We fail to put in effort
Sometimes friendships fade simply because one or both people fail to put in the effort to sustain the relationship. Busy schedules and shifting priorities can get in the way, but friendships still require nurturing. If you don’t carve out time to catch up and stay connected, you may lose touch. Reaching out to maintain bonds and showing friends they’re still important to you goes a long way.
Major life events occur
Major life events like marriages, moves, births, deaths, and divorces can profoundly impact our social connections. They either bring us closer together or push us apart. For example, some friends may not make the cut when paring down your wedding guest list. Or a once-close friend may feel excluded after you have kids and devote more time to parenting. Big changes disrupt the status quo, and that can mean some friendships change form or end.
The relationship becomes unhealthy
In some cases, we may actively choose to end a friendship if it becomes unhealthy or toxic. For example, you may cut ties with a possessive friend who tries to isolate you from other relationships. Or your friendship could become imbalanced, with one person constantly needing support but never giving it. A very close childhood friendship may flounder if one person uses the other. Recognizing when a friendship turns harmful or dysfunctional, and letting go because of that, is a mature choice to make.
We outgrow each other
As we learn and grow throughout life, it’s natural to outgrow some friends from earlier years. You may realize the connection is no longer fulfilling for you or the other person. Or you may determine the friendship relied more on convenience and nostalgia than true compatibility. Just because someone was a big part of your childhood or college years doesn’t necessarily mean they’re meant to be your best friend for life. If the relationship has run its course, it’s okay to let it go and seek out connections that better suit who you’ve become.
How to cope with losing friends
Even when growing apart is normal, losing a friend can be painful. Here are some tips for coping:
- Allow yourself to feel the loss – it’s normal to grieve the end of an important friendship
- Reflect on the positive impact the friend had on your life
- Focus your energy on the fulfilling friendships you still have
- Speak up if you want to try to repair or reconnect the friendship
- Move forward knowing new friends await you in the future
Making new friends as an adult
While we lose some friends along the way, making new friends is still possible in adulthood. Here are some tips:
- Get involved with community groups or volunteer activities based on your interests – this lets you meet like-minded people
- Stay open to new friendships developing from your existing social circles
- Reach out to acquaintances you’d like to know better
- Try new hobbies and activities that introduce you to new circles
- Use apps like Bumble BFF to connect with others seeking friends
- Seek out friends going through similar life stages and experiences as you
Cultivating friendships over time
While many friendships come and go, some stand the test of time. To nurture long lasting friendships:
- Make your friends a priority and invest regular time into the relationships
- Accept and embrace when your friends change and grow
- Discuss your commitment to sustaining your bond
- Check in frequently and share what’s going on in each other’s lives
- Celebrate special occasions and milestone events together
- Trust and be vulnerable with each other
- Work through conflicts rather than running from them
- Support each other through life’s ups and downs
Conclusion
As we progress through life, it’s normal for some friendships to fade away while others stand the test of time. Investing in meaningful relationships takes work, but it’s so important for our health and well-being. With care and effort, you can cultivate new lifelong friendships as you lose old ones along the way. Make time for the people who matter most and your social connections will continue to enrich your life.