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Why do you want someone more when they ignore you?

It’s a common phenomenon that when someone ignores you or pulls away, it can actually make you want them even more. There are several psychological and emotional reasons why this tends to happen.

The Scarcity Principle

One major factor is the scarcity principle – people assign more value to things that are difficult to obtain. When someone’s attention and affection is withdrawn, it suddenly seems more scarce. This triggers a fear of losing something valuable, which can intensify your desire for that person.

You may start to idealize the relationship and see it as something amazing that you just can’t let go of. The fact that it seems just out of reach can make it appear that much more appealing. It’s human nature to want things that are scarce or unattainable.

Loss Aversion

Loss aversion refers to people’s tendency to strongly prefer avoiding losses over acquiring gains. When you lose something you already had, it’s much more painful than failing to gain something new.

When someone pulls away, it can feel like you’re losing the intimacy and connection you once had. This potential loss gets weighed much more heavily than any potential gains from moving on. As a result, you become determined to regain what feels lost rather than accept it.

Ego and Rejection

Being ignored can also deal a blow to your ego and self-esteem. It may make you feel rejected, unimportant or unvalued. This can trigger an emotional need to restore your sense of self-worth and be chosen. It activates an unconscious drive to get the person’s approval and interest again.

You might tell yourself “I just need to try harder and I can win them back.” In this way, the rejection fuels a desire to reconnect and be validated by them.

The Drive for Completion

Human beings have an innate need for completion. When something feels unfinished or cut short, you instinctively want to gain closure. Abrupt changes in a relationship can leave things feeling unresolved.

When someone pulls away suddenly, you don’t get a sense of completion. The desire for more closeness gets activated as your mind seeks to finish what was started and regain a sense of resolution.

Misinterpreting Breadcrumbs

Sometimes when people pull away they still give little signs of interest, known as “breadcrumbs.” For example, occasional texting or liking social media posts. These intermittent breadcrumbs can function as partial reinforcement and create a rollercoaster effect.

You may cling to these morsels of contact, misinterpreting them as signs of genuine interest. In fact, they may just be habit or politeness. But when you want someone, it’s easy to see meaning in crumbs.

The Thrill of Unpredictability

The hot-and-cold dynamic of getting occasional breadcrumbs can also tap into the pleasure-reward system in your brain. The unpredictability about when you’ll next get attention can drive your brain to crave more like an addiction.

Human beings have an innate drive to resolve uncertainty. The thrill of surprises and unpredictability when someone periodically reinforces you can get your hopes up and hook your interest.

Attachment Styles

Attachment theory suggests that people develop different attachment styles in childhood that affect their relationships. Those with insecure attachment, such as anxious or avoidant, may be more prone to getting hooked by rejection.

People with an anxious style tend to require a lot of closeness and reassurance. Being ignored taps directly into their fears of abandonment. They may get clingy in an effort to revive a connection.

Avoidants crave intimacy but pull away from it due to distrust. A partner distancing can confirm their beliefs about unreliability and intensify efforts to regain closeness before fully detaching.

Nostalgia and Romanticized Perceptions

When deprived of someone’s presence for a while, you may start to miss or crave the feelings of closeness you once had. Your perceptions can also get distorted through rose-colored glasses.

You begin to focus mainly on the positive aspects of the relationship while minimizing flaws. Good memories stand out in your mind, making the past seem better than it really was. This romanticized nostalgia fuels stronger desire.

The Hope of Potential

Even if the relationship had issues, being pulled away from can stir up the hope and fantasy of what “could be.” You imagine how good things could potentially feel if only you could figure out how to regain the other’s affection.

This hope of realizing an idealized potential keeps your interest hooked. You tell yourself that if you got another chance, it would be possible to have the intimacy you crave.

Curiosity and Mystery

When someone becomes distant, it’s natural to be curious about why. Uncertainty about their feelings and motives can end up occupying your thoughts. This sense of mystery engages your interest as you try to solve the puzzle.

You constantly analyze their confusing behavior trying to understand the shift. Curiosity fuels rumination about them which strengthens your preoccupation.

The Repetition Compulsion

The repetition compulsion refers to the tendency to repeat familiar relationship patterns. If you have a history of pursuing emotionally unavailable partners, falling for disinterest again allows repeating old dynamics.

On an unconscious level, chasing rejection may feel comfortable and familiar. Even if it’s painful, it’s what you know. Some people would rather repeat what’s familiar than risk new experiences.

The Desire to “Win”

Rejection can also tap into a competitive part of human nature. Trying to win someone back may stimulate your drive to succeed and be chosen. Proving that you can regain their interest gives a sense of achievement.

For some personality types, the challenge provides an ego boost. “Winning” feels better than simply walking away, even if the relationship isn’t healthy long-term.

Proving Your Worth

Similarly, a desire for validation can fuel efforts to reconnect. Part of you believes that if you could just remind them how great you are, they’ll come around again.

Trying to persuade them may temporarily soothe the blow to your self-esteem. You attempt to prove your worth in hopes it will alter their perceptions of you.

The Fear of Regret

Letting go of someone can also bring the scary possibility of regret. You worry that if you don’t try to revive things, you’ll always wonder “What if?” and feel remorse.

This fear of future regret keeps you holding on, even when rationally it may not make sense. The potential of thinking “I should have tried harder” down the line is too difficult to face.

Biological Drives

On a biological level, human beings are wired for connection. Relationships activate the same reward systems in the brain as food and other need-fulfilling activities.

When someone pulls away, your brain registers the loss of rewarding social connection. This can drive you to seek out more interaction with them in hopes of stimulating those feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine.

What You Can Do

If you notice yourself becoming obsessed with someone who is ignoring you, don’t judge yourself too harshly. This response is rooted in normal human emotional patterns.

That said, it’s important to recognize when a pursuit is unhealthy or futile. Here are some tips:

  • Resist over-analyzing crumbs of contact. Don’t read into everything.
  • Let some time pass before responding to their reaches. Don’t seem too available.
  • Reflect on whether this person meets your needs in a relationship.
  • Weigh the positives against the negatives. Are you romanticizing?
  • Work on boosting your self-worth apart from them.
  • Focus on other fulfilling activities and social connections.
  • Consider whether this is a pattern in your relationships.
  • Be mindful of anxiety spirals. Don’t ruminate endlessly.
  • Give yourself closure without needing their participation.
  • Imagine they provided the closure you crave. What would it be?
  • Accept that you can’t control or change their mind.
  • Let go of the fantasy. Is it preventing you from real connections?

With reflection, you can gain awareness of your emotional triggers. This allows you to respond in healthier ways rather than reactively chase. If it’s an unhealthy or one-sided obsession, work on detachment and refocusing your mental energy.

The Bottom Line

It’s natural to want someone more when you can’t have them. But being stuck in this pattern leads nowhere good. With understanding, patience and compassion for yourself, you can break the cycle. Scale back over-investment and reinvest in yourself. In time, feelings will fade and free you to create reciprocal relationships.