The silent treatment is one of the most commonly used tactics by narcissists. It is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse where the narcissist will ignore any direct contact. This allows them to gain control and power in the relationship by withholding attention and affection. Understanding the reasons behind the silent treatment can help make sense of this hurtful experience.
What is the silent treatment?
The silent treatment refers to when one partner completely ignores the other, denying them basic social interaction and conversation. It can last anywhere from a few hours to weeks or even months, leaving the recipient confused, upset, and unable to resolve the issue.
Some key signs of the silent treatment include:
- Refusing to answer direct questions
- Walking away or leaving when you enter the room
- Giving short or one word answers
- Completely ignoring phone calls and messages
- Acting as if you do not exist
This differs from taking some space to cool down after an argument. The narcissist will deliberately and calculatedly ignore you almost like you are not there. They essentially withdraw social connection as punishment.
Why do narcissists give you the silent treatment?
There are several key reasons that narcissists use the silent treatment, ultimately to regain control:
1. To punish you
The silent treatment is used as a way to punish you for some perceived wrongdoing. Even if you did nothing wrong, the narcissist will ignore you as punishment for not giving them what they want or need in that moment. It allows them to inflict an emotional consequence while denying any accountability.
2. To create distance
The silent treatment immediately creates distance between you and the narcissist. It is a quick way for them to create space so you are less able to detect their manipulations. This distance also communicates how little you supposedly mean to them.
3. To gain control
The silent treatment puts the narcissist back in the position of power. They know withholding their attention will hurt you, giving them the upper hand. Many victims then work harder to please the narcissist and earn their approval again.
4. To manipulate
Knowing that you will eventually become upset with the silent treatment, the narcissist can then use your reaction against you. They may accuse you of overreacting or use your response as proof that you are the problem in the relationship.
This allows them to manipulate the situation and deflect blame back onto you. Your natural reactions become ammunition for the narcissist.
5. To avoid accountability
The silent treatment allows the narcissist to avoid any real accountability for their own actions leading up to the silence. They do not communicate, so nothing gets resolved. All blame and criticism gets directed at you, while they accept no responsibility.
Ultimately, this silence removes their need to acknowledge any truths about the situation or their own harmful behaviors.
When does the silent treatment usually happen?
There are common situations and relationship milestones where a narcissist will use the silent treatment:
- After an argument where you challenged them
- When you fail to show them sufficient attention or validation
- When you do something they dislike or criticize their actions
- When your focus is redirected elsewhere (e.g. work, family, friends)
- During holidays or special occasions where you are not fully focused on them
- When trying to gain your compliance or have you return after pulling away
- After delivering any bad news that may upset them
The silent treatment often comes out of nowhere or after smaller disagreements that do not warrant such a reaction. The surprise is intentional to keep you off balance.
What are the effects of the silent treatment?
Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment can be a painful and confusing experience. Some key effects include:
Feeling rejected and hurt
The sudden lack of communication delivers a clear message that you are not valued or worthy of basic respect. This outright rejection is incredibly hurtful, especially from a romantic partner.
Feeling confused and frustrated
You are left wondering what happened and what you did wrong. The narcissist leaves you guessing while refusing to engage, causing mounting frustration.
Blaming yourself
All the blame gets placed back onto you, causing you to questioning yourself and your actions. The narcissist’s silence and your hurt reaction gets framed as further evidence of your wrongdoing.
Appeasing behaviors
In hopes of ending the hurtful silence, you go out of your way to please the narcissist. This includes excessive apologies, gestures of affection, gifts, or compliments.
Anxiety
The unpredictability of the silent treatment creates a sense of anxiety. You become hypervigilant looking for signs of danger or their disapproval.
Damaged self-esteem
Being ignored and devalued by your partner deeply chips away at your self-worth. Their silence confirms supposed flaws or unimportance.
Depression
Having a partner inexplicably withdrawn their love and communication takes a heavy emotional toll. The rejection can fall into a spiral of rumination and despair.
Loss of sense of self
To survive the silence, you sacrifice more and more of your needs, preferences, and boundaries. This slowly erodes your very identity and voice in the relationship.
How should you respond to the silent treatment?
Though difficult, responding strategically can help minimize the narcissist’s power and reduce additional harm:
- Point out the silent treatment and call it unacceptable
- Set your own boundaries and stick to them
- Refuse to appease them or accept blame
- Get support from friends and family
- Refocus your time and energy elsewhere
- Consider if the relationship should continue
Most importantly, recognize the silent treatment as tactical emotional abuse. Do not allow their silence to define your worth.
How to cope with the silent treatment from a narcissist
If you must continue contact with a narcissist using the silent treatment, some tips to help cope include:
- Acknowledge your feelings – let yourself feel hurt or angry without judgment
- Avoid blaming yourself for their choices
- Reflect on your deal-breakers and boundaries
- Seek support from empathetic friends or a therapist
- Engage in self-care and activities that fulfill you
- Minimize unnecessary contact until the silence ends
- Take back your power by living as authentically as possible
The hurt can feel unrelenting, but staying connected to your inner truth and values will help reduce the narcissist’s hold.
How to stop the silent treatment for good
The most effective way to stop the silent treatment is to reevaluate or end contact with the narcissist completely. Their sense of entitlement to this bullying behavior is unlikely to change.
If continuing the relationship, at minimum you must establish and enforce strict boundaries around acceptable communication. Make clear the silent treatment will not be tolerated under any circumstances.
Be prepared the narcissist will not react well to losing this power. They may alternate between silence and desperate pleas or rage. Standing firm against the silent treatment weakens their arsenal of control tactics.
When to get professional help
Seeking professional support can be critical when attempting to leave a narcissistic relationship. Some key times to get help include:
- You experience extreme depression, anxiety, trauma symptoms
- You fear becoming suicidal or self-harming
- The narcissist’s behavior becomes threatening or dangerous
- Manipulations continue even after separating
- You struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries
- Old relationship patterns repeat in new relationships
- Healing from emotional abuse feels impossible alone
A licensed therapist can guide you safely out of narcissistic relationships and reverse the detrimental impacts to your mental health and self-worth.
Conclusion
The narcissist’s silent treatment is a brutal tactic for establishing control. Its harmfulness cannot be understated, yet trying to change their behavior often backfires. Though difficult, limiting or ceasing contact provides the only real means to end the silence. With support, life and self-worth can be reclaimed after narcissistic emotional abuse.