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Why is it so hard for autistic people to make friends?


Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disability that affects how people communicate, interact, and behave. An estimated 1 in 54 children has been identified with ASD according to estimates from CDC’s Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring (ADDM) Network.[1] Making and keeping friends can be challenging for autistic individuals due to difficulties with social skills, restrictive behaviors, sensory issues, and trouble understanding social cues. However, with the right support and strategies, autistic people can develop meaningful friendships.

Social Challenges

One of the core features of autism is difficulty with social communication and interaction. Autistic individuals may struggle to initiate conversations, make eye contact, read body language and facial expressions, understand humor and sarcasm, engage in back-and-forth exchanges, share interests with others, and perceive social cues or unwritten social rules.[2] These social challenges can make it hard to connect with peers and develop friendships.

Some common social difficulties autistic people may experience include:

  • Difficulty knowing how to start or carry on a conversation
  • Appearing disinterested in others due to lack of eye contact or not asking questions
  • Trouble understanding humor, irony, figures of speech
  • Interrupting conversations or speaking at length about special interests
  • Misreading social cues like tone of voice, facial expressions, or body language
  • Difficulty understanding the perspectives, thoughts, beliefs of others (theory of mind)
  • Trouble making age-appropriate friends or preferring to play alone
  • Problems joining group conversations or activities
  • Difficulty sharing toys, food, or possessions with others

These social deficits can cause autistic children and adults to feel isolated, misunderstood, or rejected by their peers. Building friendships requires back-and-forth social interaction and communication, which are areas of challenge for autistic individuals.

Restrictive Behaviors and Interests

Many autistic individuals engage in restrictive, repetitive behaviors or have highly focused interests. Common examples include:

  • Flapping hands, rocking, pacing, spinning, or repeating physical movements
  • Arranging toys or objects in a certain way
  • Adhering to specific routines or schedules
  • Getting very upset by minor changes in plans or environments
  • Narrow, intense interests in specific topics like trains, dinosaurs, or facts
  • Spending much time infodumping or monologuing about special interests

While these behaviors provide comfort and joy for autistic individuals, they may interfere with social interactions and friendships. A child who only wants to play pretend about Thomas the Tank Engine may have trouble relating to peers with different interests. An autistic person who savors routine and order may find it hard to handle the back-and-forth, unpredictable nature of friendships. Rigid behaviors and limited interests can make it challenging for autistic people to find common ground with others.

Sensory Sensitivities

Autistic individuals often have sensory processing differences that lead to hypersensitivities or hyposensitivities. For example, certain sounds, textures, or smells that go unnoticed by others can be intolerable for an autistic person. Sensitivities may include:[3]

  • Sensitivity to loud noises like vacuum cleaners, sirens, barking dogs
  • Discomfort with bright lights, colors, or busy visual environments
  • Disliking dirty hands, certain food textures, or types of fabric
  • Bothered by particular clothing tags, seams on socks, or fabrics
  • Distracted by background sounds or visual stimuli
  • Seeking out sensory stimulation like pressing on objects or constant movement

Navigating friendships and social activities full of unpredictability and sensory overwhelm can be extremely challenging. An autistic child may struggle at a noisy birthday party or become uncomfortable hugging certain relatives. Sensory issues and coping strategies may cause autistic people to limit social interaction in ways that restrict friendships.

Bullying and Social Isolation

Research indicates that autistic youth are much more likely to experience bullying at school compared to non-autistic peers. One study found that 44% of autistic pre-adolescents experienced emotional bullying and 34% were physically bullied.[4]

There are many reasons autistic individuals are more vulnerable to bullying, such as:

  • Difficulty picking up on social cues from peers
  • Behaviors that bullies find “weird” or different
  • Lack of awareness of what behaviors attract bullying
  • Isolation from peer groups due to poor social skills
  • Difficulty telling trusted adults about bullying
  • Problems defending themselves from bullying

Bullying causes increased social isolation, anxiety, and depression among autistic youth. It becomes even harder to connect with peers and form friendships when facing frequent bullying. Even without overt bullying, many autistic kids feel socially excluded due to their differences. Feeling rejected by the peer group makes reaching out to potential friends much more intimidating.

Anxiety and Depression

It’s common for autistic individuals to suffer from mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Autistic youth are nearly four times more likely to experience general anxiety compared to the general population.[5] There are many potential reasons for this elevated anxiety:

  • Social difficulties cause frequent stress, worry, and loneliness
  • Sensory sensitivities lead to feeling overwhelmed
  • Difficulty coping with changes or unpredictable events
  • Being bullied or ostracized by peers increases anxiety
  • Challenges communicating needs or emotions
  • Intense focus on upsetting thoughts or events

Anxious autistic children may isolate themselves from peers to avoid potential social mishaps. Teens may turn down social invitations that provoke anxiety. Adults may decline colleague hangouts after work, missing chances to bond. Untreated anxiety and depression make it very hard for autistic individuals to put themselves out there and develop relationships.

Strategies to Improve Friendships

While autistic people face many barriers to friendships, there are numerous strategies that can help. With structure, guidance, and accommodations, social lives and relationships are possible. Some suggestions include:

Explicit Social Skills Training

Autistic youth benefit from direct instruction on social skills for greeting people, starting conversations, taking turns, compromising, and reading body language. Social skills groups, classes, and therapists provide this specialized training. Practicing skills during play dates and school groups is key.

Peer Mediation and Support

Programs like peer mentorship, Circle of Friends, and peer mediation involve neurotypical classmates helping model social behavior and resolve conflicts. This fosters an inclusive environment.

Accommodations in School

Smaller, highly structured classrooms plus individualized accommodations set autistic students up for social success. For example, teachers can create structured opportunities for social interaction and praise students’ social efforts.

Social StoriesTM

Customized stories describing social situations and appropriate responses help autistic individuals learn abstract social concepts and expectations through a concrete medium.

Priming for Social Situations

Parents can prime their child before a social event by reviewing expectations, appropriate topics/behaviors, and coping strategies. This reduces anxiety and improves social skills.

Finding Shared Interests

Joining clubs, groups, or events centered around a special interest allows autistic youth to connect with like-minded peers. For example, many autistic kids love Minecraft and find friends through related activities.

Online Friendships

Online platforms provide opportunities to interact without tricky social cues. Autistic youth can find accepting peers, share interests, and practice social skills online. Moderated sites are safest.

Roleplaying Scenarios

Rehearsing exchanges and varied responses to common social situations through roleplay builds confidence. Therapists, social skills groups, or parents can model interactions.

Relaxation and Mindfulness

Learning techniques to calm anxiety, manage emotions, and gain perspective facilitates social interaction. Meditation, deep breathing, yoga, and cognitive behavioral strategies help.

Adult Mentors/Peer Buddies

Pairing autistic youth with caring mentors or slightly older peer buddies provides modeling, guidance, and support in social settings. This also prevents isolation.

Importance of Friendship for Autistic Individuals

Nurturing friendships for those on the autism spectrum has lifelong benefits:

  • Companionship and fun – Autistic people, like anyone else, appreciate having friends to eat lunch with, send funny memes, explore shared interests, etc. Positive social connections add joy.
  • Improved self-esteem – Developing relationships helps autistic individuals feel accepted. Having people specifically interested in being their friend boosts confidence and self-worth.
  • Platform to practice social skills – Interacting with friends provides real-world experience navigating conversations, resolving conflicts, cooperating on group projects, etc. This helps hone abilities.
  • Gateway to additional relationships – Having a circle of friends leads to meeting more potential friends through their social networks. Bonds grow.
  • Protection from bullying/isolation – When autistic students have mutually caring friendships, they are far less likely to be victimized or excluded by peers. Friends offer protection.
  • Mental health benefits – Social support improves mood, reduces anxiety/depression, and protects against loneliness. Caring friendships are therapeutic.
  • Help navigating life transitions – Friends provide invaluable support adjusting to new schools, jobs, living situations, relationships, etc. Shared experiences reduce stress.
  • Platform to share gifts with society – Autistic individuals have much to offer through their unique passions, sincerity, loyalty, honesty, and talents. Friendships allow them to enrich their communities.

Research shows autistic people with strong social connections live happier, healthier lives and achieve greater independence. Investing in friendship-building strategies improves quality of life.

Conclusion

Autistic individuals face many obstacles when it comes to making friends, including social skills challenges, restrictive behaviors, sensory sensitivities, bullying, isolation, and co-occurring anxiety or depression. However, specialized instruction, peer support, environmental accommodations, technology, adult mentoring, therapeutic techniques, and focusing on shared interests can help autistic children and adults develop meaningful relationships. Prioritizing friendship helps autistic people reach their full potential while enriching their communities. With the right support, autistic people can find belonging, experience companionship, cultivate empathy, and practice relationship skills through the power of friendship.