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Is it OK for 4 year old to sleep with parents?

Co-sleeping, or having a young child sleep in bed with parents, is a controversial parenting practice. While some experts argue it can harm a child’s development and independence, others say it can help strengthen attachment and security. Understanding the potential benefits and drawbacks can help parents make an informed decision about what works best for their family.

Potential Benefits of Co-Sleeping

Some of the possible benefits associated with having a 4-year-old sleep in the parents’ bed include:

  • Enhanced attachment and bonding – Physical closeness at night may strengthen the parent-child bond and attachment.
  • Easier nighttime breastfeeding – For mothers who are still breastfeeding, co-sleeping can make night feedings easier.
  • More sleep for everyone – A 4-year-old is likely to sleep better and not wake as often if co-sleeping.
  • Easier to monitor – Parents can easily check on and monitor a 4-year-old throughout the night if co-sleeping.
  • Reduced separation anxiety – Co-sleeping may help alleviate a preschooler’s resistance or fear about sleeping alone.
  • Cultural values – Co-sleeping aligns with beliefs in some cultures about togetherness and family unity.

Parents may find co-sleeping provides comfort and reassurance for both themselves and their 4-year-old child. The closeness at bedtime can become an important part of their daily ritual and rhythm.

Potential Drawbacks of Co-Sleeping

There are also some potential risks or drawbacks associated with co-sleeping that parents should consider:

  • Interference with independence – Co-sleeping may undermine a child developing autonomy and self-soothing skills.
  • Poor sleep habits – A 4-year-old may become too reliant on co-sleeping to fall asleep, making it harder to transition them to their own bed.
  • Safety concerns – Bed-sharing raises risks like suffocation, entrapment, or a parent rolling onto the child.
  • Development delays – Some research links co-sleeping with potential social or emotional problems.
  • Marital issues – Co-sleeping can negatively impact intimacy, communication, and quality time between partners.
  • Difficulty stopping – Breaking the co-sleeping habit can be challenging if a child becomes too dependent on it.

Critics argue that co-sleeping enables problematic sleep associations and does not encourage healthy self-soothing skills. There are also ongoing safety risks that may worry some parents.

Guidelines for Safe Co-Sleeping

If parents choose to co-sleep with a 4-year-old, there are some important guidelines to follow that can reduce potential risks:

  • Ensure the sleeping environment is safe – Use a firm mattress and avoid soft bedding, pillows, and blankets near the child’s face.
  • Keep toys and stuffed animals out of the bed – Don’t use pillows or comforters that could obstruct breathing.
  • Put the child between the parents – Position the 4-year-old between the parents rather than on the outside of the bed.
  • Avoid bed-sharing if parents are smokers, drink alcohol, or take medications that cause drowsiness.
  • Be cautious about letting toddler siblings co-sleep – A younger child could potentially suffocate the 4-year-old.
  • Make sure the child can’t fall out of bed or get trapped between the mattress and wall.

Following safe co-sleeping guidelines reduces the risks substantially. Being aware of all safety precautions is essential, especially for parents who frequently bring their 4-year-old into their bed.

Setting Limits with Co-Sleeping

If parents choose to co-sleep, it is wise to set some limits and boundaries. This helps prevent sleep problems and difficulties transitioning a preschooler to sleeping independently.

Some tips for setting boundaries include:

  • Make co-sleeping an occasional option, not an every night habit.
  • Be consistent with rules about when and how long co-sleeping occurs.
  • Have the child start the night sleeping in their own bed first.
  • Set an expectation that kids will sleep in their own room by a certain age.
  • Use a transitional object like a favorite stuffed toy to help comfort the child.
  • Slowly move the child’s bed closer to the door to encourage independent sleep.

Setting reasonable limits prevents co-sleeping from becoming the only way a 4-year-old can fall asleep. Having a plan makes it easier to gradually transition them to solo sleep when developmentally appropriate.

When to Stop Co-Sleeping

Many child development experts recommend moving preschool-aged children to independent sleep by age 5 or 6. However, every child matures at a different pace, so there is no set deadline for stopping co-sleeping.

Signs a 4-year-old may be ready to transition to solo sleep include:

  • Showing a desire for more privacy and independence.
  • Falling asleep easily and sleeping all night in their own bed.
  • Displaying confidence about sleeping alone.
  • No longer needing physical closeness with parents to fall asleep.
  • Asking to sleep in their own room because they feel “too big” to co-sleep.

Parents should have an open discussion with their child when making the transition. Kids need reassurance that parents are nearby and they can seek comfort if needed. Making the shift gradually and positively can help both parents and child adjust.

Alternatives to Full Night Co-Sleeping

If parents or child resist stopping co-sleeping altogether, there are some alternative arrangements that respect a 4-year-old’s need for independence and a parent’s desire for closeness:

  • Let the child start in their own room and join the parents later.
  • One parent can sit with the child as they fall asleep, then leave.
  • Allow co-sleeping occasionally, like during travel or when sick.
  • Place the child’s mattress on the floor next to the parents’ bed.
  • Position beds side-by-side with a small gap between them.

These transitional options offer continued comfort and reassurance without forcing children into solo sleep before they are ready. As kids mature, parents can gradually increase the distance until they transition to their own room.

Every Child and Family is Different

There is no universally right or wrong answer regarding co-sleeping with a 4-year-old. Each family’s circumstances are unique. While potential concerns exist, co-sleeping can also provide benefits in the right situation. Parents must weigh all factors carefully when deciding what works best for their child and family. Being responsive to the child’s evolving needs is key.

With open communication, clear boundaries, and an understanding of safety guidelines, co-sleeping can be appropriate for some 4-year-olds. But parents should thoughtfully assess their motivations and listen to guidance from their pediatrician. As long as the arrangement meets the child’s need for comfort while respecting emerging independence, co-sleeping can be a viable short-term option.


Co-sleeping with a 4-year-old is a complex issue with reasonable arguments on both sides. While potential drawbacks exist, many families find value in the closeness and comfort of sharing a bed. Setting clear limits, emphasizing safety, and being responsive to the child’s needs can allow parents to co-sleep in a healthy, beneficial way. With open discussion and a gradual transition plan, children can move to independent sleep when developmentally ready. There is no one-size-fits-all approach – parents must decide what feels right for their family.